Sony Versus Nintendo
by Konville
Summary: CH7 Author's note is up. Look out for Chapter 8 soon!
1. Somewhere In Time

This story and all its contents are completely fictional (obviously). It is being written for entertainment, some laughs, and something to do when you're as bored as the people writing it. My friend Eric and I do not own any of the characters mentioned, nor the Sony or Nintendo corporations. They are all copyrighted, as the majority of you may know. Thank you and enjoy! And NO SUING US!

Dawn. The brilliant, glistening sun is barely visible behind the shroud of eerie, gray clouds that devoured the morning and all of its beauty. In the outskirts of the towering complex known as Groznyj Grad, Solid Snake lies undercover, blending in with the surrounding forest environment. "A familiar sight," his thoughts are spoken, not to anyone really, but the wind. As he speaks, he remembers the fortress he sees from a mission that occurred seemingly ages ago. "This is where they were housing the Shagohod, right Snake?" Hal 'Ottacon' Emmerich spoke softly, brushing his dirt-brown hair from his eyes. 'Great… the fag is awake,' Snake thought silently, but only for a second. He couldn't let that annoying fruitcake get in the way of his concentration on the mission. This time it wasn't going to be as simple as battling the Empire State Building, which was what some of the machines he had battled had looked like as far as size goes. And it wouldn't be a walk in the park like going one on one with a tank, which Snake has occasionally done for breakfast. This time, there were more than twenty hostages being held captive INSIDE of the new model of Metal Gear, the machine that Snake was destined to engage and destroy. And even though he had succeeded in multiple missions that seemed harder than fighting ninjas on an airplane's wings (which Snake does during his days off), this one appeared to be purely hopeless. Besides the fact that there were five spread-out sections where the hostages were being held, the Metal Gear was actually the entire fortress, Groznyj Grad.

"Snake, shall we go over the mission one more time?" Once again, Ottacon had broken Snake's focus, leaving Snake with the urge to chuck a brick through his buddy's face. "I despise you," he muttered. "Ok, in case anything should go wrong, just remember the new CQC (Close-Quarters Combat) techniques I taught you." A blank stare occupied Hal's face, signifying that he had no clue what the hell Snake was talking about. Snake let out a groan of hatred. "You are one good-for-nothing fuckpug. Alright… I'll show you again…" Snake began demonstrating the first segment of the feared ' deranged chupacabra' technique. Hal stared in amazement at the seemingly effortless way in which Snake was executing these difficult movements. Throwing precise punches and kicks at nearby forest-animals, Snake was in his own little zone. Suddenly, as he swung his knife through the air, a deafening sound erupted, whistling like a freight train. "What the pissbricks?" he screamed over the rumbling. "Snake!" Hal shouted. "You've exposed the time and space continuum to the dimension of our world!" Snake replied by shooting him in the leg. "What the HELL does that mean, fagbag?" "You've opened a portal to another dimension!" Hal screamed in pain.

Suddenly, a sort of window appeared in mid-air only four feet away from the two partners. "Whoa…" Hal exclaimed, moving closer as he observed the portal. Then, standing completely still, he peered into the portal in amazement. "If the calculations I haven't done yet are correct, this portal leads to some sort of alternate dimension," Hal said, his gaze not leaving the window for a second. Snake just looked at him in disgust, but his focus was broken by something more interesting. "If the calculations that I don't feel like doing are correct, that random slab of meat wrapped in bacon with a string attached to it looks delicious," he said, lunging toward the unexplained bacon. "Snake! NO!" Hal yelled, but it was too late. As Snake was being reeled into the portal by his mouth, his friend grabbed onto his legs, and they were both pulled through by the meaty treat.

"SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" "I'm right here, shit-fuck!" Darkness… nothing but sheer and utter darkness. That was all Ottacon could see. "I can't see a thing! Snake, that space-time vortex must have had adverse effects on my body, rendering me with this lack of vision and…" "Shut up!" Snake shouted, pistol-whipping his good friend. "How about you try opening your damn eyes?" Hal sat still for a moment, and then blinked. As his vision slowly returned, he saw trees… hundreds of dark brown trees. To his left, Snake was finishing his mysterious meat. Upon making eye contact, Snake pointed up between meaty bites. Hal's sight followed his comrade's finger as he glanced up at a disturbing site. The sky was blood red. "Holy science!" the nerd shouted. "I think we're in another world of some sort…" Snake turned and gagged for a second, and then proceeded to vomit bacon onto Ottacon, totally drenching his camo uniform in meaty chunks. Suddenly, a small rustling sound could be heard from a nearby bush. "Shh!" Snake whispered to his puke-covered friend.

The bushes shook wildly as they started emitting inhumane sounds, when suddenly a spontaneous explosion of leaves flew at them as a creature emerged, spinning around like a helicopter blade. Snake readied his tranquilizer gun when the creature ceased his blur of movements and started making sounds. "He's trying to speak, Snake! Isn't this amazing?" Hal asked as Snake shot the creature repeatedly in the face. "You say something?" Snake asked, reloading his gun as the mass of brilliant, orange fur collapsed to the ground, his jean-shorts making a thud as they hit dirt. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO POOR CRASH?" a shriek rang out as another orange creature sprinted out of the forest, this one female. Snake aimed at her face when suddenly he was tackled from his left by a blur of red and black. "Hasn't anyone ever told you how to treat a lady?" said a vampiric-type person with a metal claw on his arm. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? And what is going on?" Hal screamed, causing all the actions to halt. "Ooooh. You must be 'newcomers'," the female fur ball said. "What?" Hal replied, confused. "What do you mean by 'newcomers'?" "I'LL EXPLAIN THAT!" a booming voice rained down from the heavens like fire. "THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE STORY COMMENCES!"


	2. Niv Leseid

-DISCLAIMER- We, SUBGAME and Nicolai, do not own any of the characters in this story (if you can even call it a story.) We have taken them all and just mixed them up in a bunch of different crap our minds decided to spew out. Enjoy. READ AND REVIEW!

"Where are we? And why are we here," Hal sounded as if he were about to cry. "YOU ARE IN MY REALM, MORTAL!" the mysterious voice echoed as the sky seemed to explode with shades of dark orange and red. "What are you, some kind of God?" Snake questioned, staring at the sky as if he was about to punch it in the face. "IN THIS REALM I AM THE ONLY ONE WORTHY TO BE CALLED GOD!" "In other words, yes, you fuckfaced waste of time," Snake replied. "DO NOT ANGER ME! I WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER MET ME!" An explosion erupted from the sky as the ground trembled. "I DID NOT BRING YOU HERE TO BICKER! YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN FOR A MISSION!" "And what mission would that be," Snake said while eating a nearby raccoon. "You see," the vampiric person started, "my name is Vincent Valentine. This is Crash and his sister, Coco," he continued, pointing at the unconscious beast and his furball of a sister. "We are all here for one purpose. You see, Vin, the god of this world, has informed us that Nintendo has tried to take control of the realm. If they succeed in their efforts, they will use the power they gain and take over the world of Sony!" As he finished his story, Snake put down the shell of the turtle he had just devoured. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MUST DO?" Vin roared in caps lock. "Well… how are we going to succeed in our mission?" Hal started. "We don't even know where we are! We have no idea just how complex this forest is or anything about this world! "According to the 50x50 foot sign in front of your fuckface, we're in Niv Leseid," Snake said, punching his friend in the face for making up words, like complex and forest. "Do you hate me or something?" Hal asked sadly. "I hate everyone," Snake replied as he vomited baby seal all over Hal's face.

"ENOUGH!" Vin bellowed. Everyone fell silent, even Snake. "THIS WORLD IS FULL OF MYSTERIOUSLY MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY! YOU WILL FACE MANY UNUSUALLY UNUSUAL BEINGS! BECAUSE OF THIS, I WILL BREAK YOU UP INTO FIVE GROUPS!" "How? Theoretically, a group must consist of more than one being, yet there is a maximum of five people here. Surely you, the god of this world, should be able to do a simple calculation of…" Hal started, but was cut off as Snake threatened to pistol-whip him for saying so many big words. He then ate a live grenade to show how serious he was. "TRUE, YOUNG FAG, THERE ARE ONLY FIVE OF YOU HERE… FOR NOW…!" As Vin said this, Tifa Lockheart and Cloud Strife jumped out of one of the surrounding trees. "Welcome, newcomers," Tifa said happily. "Nice to meet boobs," Snake replied, staring at… Tifa. Cloud looked at him angrily. "My name's Cloud," he said, reaching his hand out. "I'm Snake," Snake replied as his stomach exploded from the live grenade he had eaten earlier. "Pardon me," he said nonchalantly. Hal turned and faced the rest of the crowd. "But there still aren't enough warriors to…" he started, but stopped suddenly. As everyone stared at him, his face contorted with pain as Goku decided to fly out of it. Screaming in horror, Hal fell to the ground and rolled around. "This is Goku," Cloud said. "He doesn't talk much." "HOW DID HE FLY OUT OF MY FACE?" Hal shouted. Goku replied by shooting blue beams of energy from his nipples, obliterating a nearby moon. Suddenly, the ground began to tremble and quake as a ball of fire blazed across the forest, stopping in the middle of the group of heroes. A man appeared out of the smoke. On top of his head sat a small, red period. "Dante! You're here! And you brought Cool Spot, too!" Tifa exclaimed, excited to see them. "Sorry I'm late," Dante replied. "I was busy fighting hell." The sound of a bush rustling interrupted them. A frail, faggish man hopped out from the forest scenery. "Sorry I'm so late, guys! I was out buying a new purse," the man said. "Oh, no," Snake said, still staring at Tifa's breasts. "Snake! Don't you remember me? It's your old pal, Raiden!" "Goddamn, I was hoping you would have been killed or murdered or not living anymore." Raiden started crying. Just as his first tear shed, Stone Cold jumped out of a tree, landed on his feet, and gave Raiden a stunner. He then stood up as random beer cans flew into his hands. He drank two of them and stunned the third for good measure. "And that's the bottom line 'cause Stone Cold said so!" he shouted at a tree, which he then proceeded to stunner. The tree stood up and morphed into a human being. "I know kung-fu," the tree-man said. "Neo! Sorry, I didn't realize it was you," Stone Cold said as he gave him three more stunners.

"ENOUGH FOOLISHLY FOOLING AROUND, YOU FOOLS!" Vin exploded. "NOW THAT YOU ARE ALL HERE, I WILL TELL YOU WHICH GROUPS YOU TRAVELERS ARE TO TRAVEL IN WHILE TRAVELING! SNAKE! YOU WILL LEAD OTTACON, CRASH, AND COCO!" Snake emitted a growl of hatred as he kicked Crashes unconscious body a few times. Crash woke up and slowly got to his feet. "YOU OTHER HEROES ARE VERY HEROIC, BUT YOU ARE NOT FIT TO LEAD A SQUADRON OF SQUADS THROUGH THESE DARK LANDS OF DARK DARKNESS! THEREFORE, I AM SENDING DOWN FOUR OF MY MIGHTIEST WARRIORS OF MIGHT!" As soon as he stopped erupting words down onto the heroes, a bolt of lightning struck the ground. Suddenly, where the bolt had struck, a figure appeared. "THIS IS GAME KONVILLE! HE HARNESSES ALL OF THE POWERS OF THE ELEMENTAL ELEMENTS, SUCH AS WATER, FIRE, AIR, EARTH, AND FIRE!" Konville smiled as he impaled Raiden's hand with an icicle. Snake responded by shooting Raiden's other hand with a beaver. As Raiden cried like a bitch, a huge mass of muscle fell from the sky and landed flat on the ground, face down. "THIS IS GRISTLE MCLISTER! HE CAN BENCHPRESS ANYTHING, FROM A DUMPSTER TO JUPITER!" McLister's body just levitated and aligned itself so he was standing upright. He growled as he picked Raiden up and threw him at a tree, which exploded on impact. "Why me," Raiden moaned in pain and agony. Snake began to applaud but McLister shot a glare at him, obliterating the tree behind Snake into a barrage of poodles. Just then, from behind the festival of poodles, a burst of great light erupted, blinding Raiden, and only Raiden. "My eyes! My perfectly groomed eyes!" Raiden shrieked in pain.

"THIS IS STARR GIRL! SHE POSSES THE POWERFUL POWER TO CONTROL LIGHT AND TIME!" Starr Girl stood still for a moment, and then proceeded to go back in time and beat Raiden while erupting light into his face. All of the heroes stood in silence and confusion as to why they all felt they lived through this moment before, when suddenly Raiden randomly fell on his face. He then levitated and threw himself into the pile of newly formed poodles. "What the cunt fuck is going on?" Snake said as he reached out to grab Tifa's breasts. "I don't know, but if you get within five feet of these things I will..." Tifa began, but she was cut off when Goku decided to fly into space and destroy the Deathstar. Everyone just stared up for ten minutes until Goku flew back to the planet. "Well… did you win?" Tifa asked. Goku responded by swallowing a mountain and shitting out Ottacon. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, GOKU?" Ottacon screamed as tears streamed down his face. Raiden stood up, but was immediately thrown back into the puddle of poodles. "What is going on?" he whined. "WHY, IT'S ALMOST AS IF THERE WERE AN INVISIBLE PERSON AMONG YOU!" Vin chuckled as he shouted the word chuckle repeatedly. As everyone looked around in bewilderment, a woman appeared sitting on top of Raiden's face. "THIS IS SEREDITH MYTH! AS IT IS OBVIOUSLY OBVIOUS, SHE HAS THE POWER TO BECOME INVISIBLY NON-VISIBLE!" Ottacon was staring in amazement because of all of the things that have been happening. He sat with his mouth wide open. He began to say something, but Snake looked over and shot him in the leg before he could say anything. "Don't give me any of that shit!" Snake shouted at Ottacon. "I didn't say anything! I was just sitting here." "You were thinking of saying something obnoxiously nerdy." "STOP YOUR FUEDAL FEUDING! THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR FIGHTING AMONGST YOURSELVES! YOU HAVE AN ENEMY THAT YOU ALL MUST UNIFYINGLY UNIFY AGAINST!" "He's right," Dante said as he was beating Raiden with a toaster. "THE GROUPS WILL GO AS FOLLOWINGLY FOLLOWS: NEO AND DANTE WILL TRAVEL WITH GRISTLE MCLISTER…!" "I know Kung..." Neo started, but McLister turned and broke off one of his two legs before Neo could finish, then reattached it…because he could. "THE NEXT IMPLOSION OF MEMBERS WILL BE: GAME KONVILLE, GOKU, AND CLOUD!" Goku showed his joy in his group by shooting a laser from his groin which caused a nearby llama to give birth to Ottacon. "Why me!" Ottacon shrieked. "TIFA AND COOL SPOT WILL BE GUIDINGLY GUIDED BY STARR GIRL!" Tifa cheered as she placed Cool Spot in her boobs. "AND THE FINAL LAST EXPLOSION WILL BE RAIDEN AND STONE COLD LED BY SEREDITH MYTH!" Stone Cold responded by shouting at a tree and giving Raiden a stunner raised to the second powerbomb. He then reversed the polarity of the planet, only to fix it and give Raiden a second stunner.

"Well, what do we do now," Snake asked as he finished chewing Tifa's bra. "First off, how the HELL did you get my bra off without me noticing? And secondly, why are you EATING it? Are you insane?" she screamed at him. "I'm a lot of things," he replied while beating Raiden with a brick in the face repeatedly. "EACH OF YOU MUST SEPARATE AND SPLIT UP INTO THE WOODS OF NIV LESEID! IN YOUR TRAVELS, YOU MUST SEEK OUT ANY HELP YOU CAN FIND! BUT BEWARE! FOR NINTENDO HAS MANY ALLIES, SOME OF THEM UNEXPECTINGLY UNEXPECTED! BE CAUTIOUSLY CAUTIOUS AND SHOW CAUTION!" Acknowledging their orders, the five teams said goodbye and went their separate ways into the black forest of Niv Leseid. Team Snake made their way north towards the ruins of what looked like a castle. "Snake, I don't like this," Ottacon whimpered. "I'm scared, too," Coco said as she wrapped her arms around the nerd. "Just stay close to me, Coco… I'll protect you," he responded to her. She smiled and blushed. Suddenly, they heard an eruption of explosive implosions. "What in the name of shit-burgers with cheese is going on here?" Snake shouted, still working down pieces of bra. "Over there!" Coco shouted, pointing to a clearing inside the ruins. A man stood there at least seven feet tall. His long, silver hair flowed in the wind as he slashed at what looked like little animals with his huge sword. "Stop! You're hurting them!" Coco pleaded, but he didn't even flinch. Snake looked at Coco menacingly, and then punched Ottacon in his fuckface. "Shut that bitch up before that guy decides to start slashing us around!" "I think he's right, Coco. Best to mind our own business." But Coco had already started running towards the man. "STOP!" she screamed. Suddenly, one of the 'little animals' charged at her, shooting bolts of electricity out of his face. "Pika… CHU!" it yelled. Coco screamed as she fell to the ground, but before the lightning could hit her…

On to our reviews…

That's right, if you take the time to review, we'll take the time to acknowledge and respond!

CStarrz – Well, if you liked the first chapter, I hope you'll LOVE this one… which you will have already read by the time you get to this section… so… yeah… just keep reading!

FictionWeLive- Thanks Mere! I'm glad it wasn't really a waste of your time. Just keep reading. It'll get more interesting, if that's at all possible… trust me.

SUB-GAME – Well…seeing as you are sitting right next to me as we are finishing this chapter, I'd just like to shake your hand in success and congratulations. And as you know, I also just punched you in the face, and then stunnered you. Keep reading… or writing… or STUNNER.


	3. First Signs of War

_**-DISCLAIMER- Yeah. You know the drill. We own none of the people in this, pretty much, save for a few that we've made up ourselves. Enjoy. No suing. R&R.**_

_**SNAKE's GROUP: OUTSIDE CASTLE RUINS**_

"HELP!" Coco screamed as the yellow rat shot electricity out of his face. Before she could even blink, however, the man with the silver hair had appeared in front of her. With a few quick swipes of his sword, not only had he deflected the lightning, but also he decapitated the rat bastard in its tracks. Shaking, Coco stood up and faced the mysterious man. "Thank you, Mr… umm…" "Sephiroth," the man replied in a vague voice. He grabbed her arm and led her behind a stone wall where the others had been watching. "Hey shit-bricks, are you on our side?" Snake asked as he punched the stone wall in the face in an attempt to build a house out of it. "What are you doing?" Sephiroth asked Snake. Snake replied by eating a brick that he kept in his pocket in case he had any masonry to do. "Anyway," Sephiroth started, disregarding Snake's… uniqueness. "Yes, I have decided to help Sony. Why, you may ask?" he said, looking at Snake, who, in response, turned towards Crash and spit brick shards in his face. "Nintendo has threatened to take over this world, along with anyone in it. Seeing as we are all here whether we like it or not, we might as well team up and make sure those bastards never take control of us." "You make a good point," Snake finally spoke. "So, you DO talk. You might actually be normal after all," Sephiroth chided as Snake was practicing punting baby walruses for his competition coming up next Saturday. "Shit, they're coming," Ottacon said nervously as a stampede of odd-looking animals scampered towards them, each shouting out their own ridiculous names. "They don't look so tough," Snake said as he shot himself in the face repeatedly. "Yeah, we can take 'em!" Coco laughed. Suddenly, however, all the animals came to a halt. There was nothing but dead silence to be seen, or heard, or whatever you do to silence. Out of nowhere, a whistling noise was heard. The object causing the noise came closer and closer, until finally it struck a wall only twenty feet away from the Sony heroes, obliterating it instantly. "What the crotch-hobbit was THAT?" Snake shouted into Ottacon's face. "Nemesis…" Sephiroth said as he flew off into the distance. "Where the hell is he going?" Coco said. Snake replied by beating Crash's face in with Ottacon. "I guess he's going off to fight whoever the hell Nemesis is?" Ottacon said, trying to shake off the pain of being used as a weapon. "You guys should go help him," Coco said to Snake. "What is it with you and being a bitch," Snake asked in between bites of his filet of child sandwich. "She's right," Ottacon said. Snake shot a glance at him and punched Crash in the face. "What about these crazy fur-fuck-things that are running at us?" Snake asked as he took his eyes out and switched them around, just to show how serious he was. Just as he got done his transplant, a little fuckling jumped down from the wall they were hiding behind and shouted in his face. "BULBASUAR!" was his call. "Bulba-blow me," Snake replied as he ate the creature's face. "That's it!" he shouted. "This is war!" He pulled out the samurai sword he had stolen from Raiden years ago and threw it to a brick wall. "Cover me!" he shouted, running into the crowd of animals with his survival knife. "TAKE THIS YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" he cried out as unexplained background music consisting of Vin repeatedly shouting the word BATTLE echoed through the ruins. "Be careful Snake!" Coco shouted. "BATTLEBATTLEBATTLEBATTLEBATTLE" was all that could be heard as Snake met the first of the animals with his knife…

**_KONVILLE'S AND MCLISTER'S GROUP: DARK WOODS OF NIV LESEID_**

Meanwhile, deep in the opposite end of the forest, Game Konville and Gristle McLister decided that their awesome groups of awesomeness should team up awesomely. Awesome. Goku decided it would be too much work to walk around the trees, so he walked through them. The ones he didn't walk through he stared at until they moved into his path, so he could walk through them. "What are you doing," Dante asked. Goku responded by beating the Sun into submission, thus making it nighttime. "Goddamn it man, now it's dark as hell out here," Cloud said. "I know Kung-Fu," Neo replied. "I swear to Vin, if you don't stop saying that, I'm going to rip your legs again," McLister scolded. "Alright, settle down," Konville said, annoyed at Neo as well. "We'll just camp out here for tonight until the Sun stops being afraid of Goku. Now everyone just stick together and…" "Not so fast!" a shout came out from the woods. A loud, roaring sound echoed throughout the area as a ship flew overhead. "There is no spoon," Neo exclaimed, staring at the hovercraft. In response, Goku turned into a hovercraft himself and flew into Neo's face. Before anyone else could say or do much of anything, a hatch opened on the bottom of the ship as three figures dropped onto the ground. "I am Samus, a mighty warrior of Nintendo," the first figure started. "We have claimed this land in the name of the hamburgler… err… Nintendo! If you do not leave peacefully, you shall leave in pieces!" "Yeah," added a freakishly blue freak that was blue and freaky.

Meanwhile, wherever Snake's group was, Snake ate a steak Stromboli because he could sense that some shit was up somewhere else in the world.

Meanwhile, back to before Snake interrupted with a meal… "Nightcrawler, Samus, and I will make sure you don't get any closer to our secret hidden base you don't know about that's right here on this map," said the third man as he handed a map to Dante. "What the hell are you DOING, Boba Fett?" Samus shouted at the man. "Using reverse psychology," Boba Fett said, proud of himself. As Samus was about to slap the brainless bounty hunter, a fourth member of Nintendo pulled up and parked a tree in between them. "Pleashe, shave your effortsh for the enemy," the man said as he ejected fifty feet in the air from his tree-car. "Hey, it's Sean Conn-… I mean… James Bond!" Boba Fett exclaimed. "Shurely, you don't exshpect to win, Shony," the agent shouted in a ridiculous accent. Dante stepped forward as he pulled out his customized handguns. "Bring it on, you big British bitchface!" he cried out as they both departed into the shady woods, firing wildly at each other. Boba Fett hovered over as he aimed at Dante. Before he could get a precise shot, however, McLister through Mount Rushmore at him, which he was storing in his biceps. Boba Fett fell; however, as McLister celebrated by punching a small rabbit in the groin, the bounty hunter soared over and tackled him. They rolled as they wrestled for control of the battle. Samus charged at Neo who, in slow motion, dodged a series of kicks, punches, and pierogies. "I am the One," he exclaimed. Samus replied by shooting rabid wolverines at him, but he avoided them and shot them in the face. They both flew off in slow motion battle. Suddenly, a laser beam hit the ground right next to Goku, who replied by screaming as miniature chimpanzees flew out of his mouth. He then flew off to arm-wrestle Venus. Nightcrawler teleported behind Cloud and stole the Force Stealer, one of Cloud's swords. Cloud turned, pulled out his Ultima Weapon, and an amazing gun battle with swords ensued. At this time, Game Konville, who had no one left to fight, proceeded to fly into the air and powerbomb the hovercraft through an orphan's face. Goku then flew back to the ground and ate his own face to show that he was victorious. Thus, Konville and Goku had defeated their foes. However, the remainder of their group had been separated as the heroes engaged their enemies. "Maybe we should stick together," Konville said to Goku. "MORTAL KOMBAT!" Goku shout as background music played and cyborg ninjas jumped out of his eyes. The two remaining Sony heroes commenced a grand battle with the newly formed enemies…

_**SNAKE's GROUP; CASTLE RUINS**_

Back at the castle ruins, Snake's team was decimating the puny creatures. As Snake was fighting off flying ones that repeatedly shouted out "Wheezing," a big cat with psychic powers was about to strike him. Suddenly, the beast was impaled in the face with the samurai sword. Snake turned and gave the brick wall thumbs up. Ottacon was busy behind a wall as he wrote out schematics on how to defeat the creatures simply by blinking at a cantaloupe. Crash and his sister Coco chucked huge fruits at the enemies. Suddenly, Sephiroth flew by followed by a grotesque being that wielded a rocket launcher. As they flew off into the distance, one of the monster's rockets hit a wall on the side of the ancient castle, creating a small opening in it. "This way," Snake shouted as he exploded several times. They all ran into the castle and shoved a nearby bookshelf in front of the makeshift entrance, thus escaping from their freakish enemies. "Where are we?" Coco whimpered. "Looks like an oldfuck castle," Snake replied as he vomited Ottacon's onto Ottacon's face. "HOW and WHY did you do that?" Coco screamed in horror. Snake just stared at her menacingly, causing Crash to punch himself in the face with a podium. Suddenly, a sinister laugh was heard echoing through the main hall in which the heroes stood. The dimly lit room seemed to burst into flames as dozens of torches spontaneously lit up on the walls. As Ottacon looked down, he saw a luxurious red carpet laid out with a huge, golden "N" on it. "I think we've found one of Nintendo's secret bases," he said. Snake's face exploded into a shower of illegal immigrants and then reformed itself. The other three just stared at him in confusion. "Enough, imbeciles!" the mysterious voice rang out once more. "So, YOU are some of the best Sony has to offer, huh? A mute bandicoot and his hairy sister, an obnoxiously nerdy geek, and the most ridiculously random person I have ever met in all my years… how disappointing…" Snake just stood there and did nothing, causing an entire Solar System to implode somewhere. "Who are you," Coco shouted nervously. "Why don't you just turn around and find out?" the voice asked sounding much closer this time. The four heroes slowly turned around to face their destiny…

_**SEREDITH'S AND STARR GIRL'S GROUP: A CLEARING IN THE WOODS**_

"Where are we?" Raiden whined like a little bitch. Seredith just remained silent and kept walking as she tried to block out the annoying voice. Stone Cold repeatedly yelled at random trees, animals, and kitchen appliances that they passed and proceeded to stun every one of them. Suddenly, they saw bursts of light coming from a clearing only forty or fifty feet away. Seredith and Raiden ran over as fast as they could. Stone Cold simply gave himself a stunner and flew over to the area. When they reached their destination, they saw Starr Girl, sort of. She was moving so fast as she shifted light and time that they could hardly see her moving about as she battled enemies. There were bodies lying on the ground dressed in full, white armored suits. "Ahhh!" they heard Tifa scream as she beat down a few of the soldiers. Both Tifa and Starr Girl were extremely skilled experts in martial arts and various hand-to-hand combat techniques. Cool Spot just sat in Tifa's boobs and whistled as he played with his yo-yo. "That's right, you storm trooper bitchfaces!" Starr Girl shouted as she blinded and bitchslapped the troops. Suddenly, a ship landed in the middle of the clearing as about one hundred of the storm troopers marched out. Behind the army stood a large man in even more advanced, black armor. As he started walking, an orchestra started playing music somewhere in the world. "You have fought well, young heroes of Sony… but now you will witness the power of the Dark Side!" All six Sony members stood in silence. The troops formed a large circle around them. "Who will face me in a lightsaber duel," the large man in black asked in a deep, robotic voice. "I will," Starr Girl said without hesitation or fear. "Very well," the man replied. He pulled out a lightsaber and threw it to his opponent. "No tricks," he said, sincerely. "Only skill." "So just a one on one battle based purely on our skills with a sword, not our powers? I accept," the Sony warrior replied. He drew his weapon as she activated hers. "You are very brave, young girl… or very foolish…" "En Garde," she responded, showing no signs of panic whatsoever. They both took a step forward and entered a battle stance…

_**REVIEWS**_

_**Well… considering how fast we update, we only had ONE review so far for Chapter 2… so from now on we will try to restrain ourselves and leave more time between chapters… so START READING AND REVIEWING! THANK YOU!**_


	4. Mortal Kombats and Uneasy Alliances

**-DISCLAIMER- YES! CHAPTER 4 IS UP, BUT FIRST… THE DISCLAIMER! We do NOT own any of the fuckfaces in this story, save for the ones you've probably never heard of before reading this story. REVIEW and give us some love! THANKS!**

**-Goku and Konville: Deep Within the Dark Woods-**

"Goku," Konville said as he tried to catch his breath. The two of them had just finished beating down about twenty or so ninjafucks by themselves. "Do you think we should just go on and look for the enemy's secret bases, or try to find the other members of Sony?" he asked Goku. Goku responded by winning the Royal Rumble. "I agree," Konville replied, apparently able to understand his companion completely. They walked swiftly through the Dark Woods of Niv Leseid. As they progressed, they heard bushes rustling around them. Konville looked at Goku, who in return erupted poodles from his face. "Yeah, I sense it too," said the elemental warrior. Konville unsheathed his two swords, giving one of them to Goku and wielding the other himself. As they inched on through the scenery, everything fell silent. Suddenly, a shady figure jumped down from a tree as it swung a blade at Konville, who parried the attack away. Before he could catch a glimpse of his attacker, another being sprung from the bushes and swung two short-swords at Goku, who did a back flip and avoided any injury. The Sony heroes stood back to back as they each faced an opponent. One of them was a male with shimmering, blue hair; the other, a woman with radiant, pink hair. "What is this, a circus act?" Konville said. Goku laughed as he juggled clowns into his mouth with his nipples. "Prepare for trouble!" the woman exclaimed with a sinister smile on her face. "Make it double!" was the man's reply. "Think we should show these Sony punks a thing or two, James?" the woman said as she swung her two swords through the air. "I'm not sure, Jessie," James responded. "It doesn't look like much of a challenge seeing as the boss has led us to become masters as far as swordsmen go." "SwordsMEN?" Jessie screamed, offended at the remark. "You know what I meant, Jessie… I wasn't calling you a man…" James said as Goku bowled a 300 in golf with Ottacon's face. "Let's just kill these morons and report back to Alpha Base," Jessie exclaimed. As she finished yelling, she charged at Konville and let out a battle cry. Konville dodged the first flurry of attacks. He turned as he deflected a few high shots away from his face. Goku exploded a freight train out of his face to distract James. He then ran at him, swinging his sword at his torso. James avoided the locomotive and then repelled Goku's blade away. Konville cartwheeled to his left, kicking one of Jessie's swords free from her hand. She twisted around and caught it before it hit the ground, but this one, infinitesimal distraction left her vulnerable to the devastating dropkick that Konville delivered, knocking her to the ground and thus rendering her immobilized temporarily.

Snake's face eroded into tiny Irishmen because of all the big words that were being used to describe a battle that was occurring somewhere with someone, causing him to have anal sex with a paperclip.

Jessie let out a groan of pain as she hit the terrain. Goku flipped over James, slashing at the Nintendo affiliate while suspended in midair. However, James parried the attacks and loosened Goku's grip, causing him to drop his weapon. He then picked up the Sony warrior's fallen sword, laughing maniacally. Goku responded by ripping off his own face, which formed into a sword. He then screeched at a nearby armadillo, causing his face to reform itself properly. As James stared in disgust, Goku lunged forward and struck James' forearm with his facial weapon, causing him to fall over in pain. "That's IT!" Jessie yelled as the two villains stood up next to one another. "Now you will feel our Rocket Rath!" Jessie said. Noticing that Jessie misspelled wrath, Goku gave the finger to a bullfrog, causing Team Rocket to explode. "Team Rocket is blasting off again!" they both bellowed as they soared into the air. "Alright," Konville said. "Let's keep looking for that 'Alpha Base' fuck thing now." Goku then shat out the NFL as they began walking.

**-Dante: Western Sector of Niv Leseid-**

"Shtop hiding and fight like a man," 007 hollered. He maneuvered cautiously through the woods as he tightened his grip around his RCP-90 machinegun. Dante calmly leapt from tree to tree in a blur of movements. Suddenly, Bond caught the movements in the corner of his eye and began firing wildly into the trees. Dante narrowly dodged the shower of bullets. He fell to the ground and fired his duel handguns at the 00 agent. In return, his enemy sprayed bullets back at him. As they shot, they ran at each other in diverse patterns, avoiding injury as lead buzzed by them. Upon reaching each other, they held their guns to each other's faces. "Thish ish where it endsh, boy," Bond said, smiling. He pulled the trigger, but nothing happened, much to his surprise. His face went pale as he heard the gun click. Dante grinned as he watched his foe begin to sweat. "Goodbye, Mr. Bond," he chuckled as he pulled the trigger on both of his guns. However, he had the same results; the weapons clicked, but no death came out. "It sheems we are at a shtalemate," 007 guffawed, repeatedly shouting 'guffaw'. Dante started laughing, as well. They both dropped their guns as the secret agent ejected a few dry martinis from his watch. He then pressed a button on his tie, which opened a door in his pants, releasing four beautiful women. "You Nintendo guys ain't so bad," Dante said as two of the women served him drinks and boobs. "The shame goesh for you Shony fellowsh," Bond chuckled. They sat and chatted as they drank. Dante turned to one of the girls. "What's your name, sexy?" "Lee Obe. And this is Ketty Wynn, Bria McRugby, and Amber Rebma." The girl then began to whisper. "Amber is dyslexic, so don't mind her too much." "?uoy era ohW" Amber said. "…Yeah…" Dante replied as he shot himself in the face in an attempt to make love to a chimp. "These fine women were shent by our god to help ush defeat you and the resht of Shony," Bond said. Dante found this curiously familiar. Before he could say anything, however, the ground began to quake.

"Uh-oh," 007 said. "What is it?" Dante asked, nervously. "The guardiansh of the woodsh… get ready," the agent replied as he reloaded his gun. Realizing that he ran out of his infinite ammo, Dante withdrew his sword. "Here we go…" "MORTAL KOMBAT!" Vin's voice shouted as background music began. Two figures jumped out from beneath the earth as Vin announced their names. "SCORPION AND SUB-ZERO! TEST YOUR MIGHT!" he screamed. Sub-Zero immediately shot ice at Bond, who narrowly avoided the attack. Scorpion held his hand up as a metallic snake protruded from within it. It soared across the battlefield towards Dante, who tried to outmaneuver it. He successfully dodged the attack; however, the snake managed to grab one of his swords and bring it back to Scorpion's hand. The two men charged at each other at speeds unfathomable to the human mind, swinging their swords wildly at each other. Neither of them relented, neither of them showed signs of fear, and neither stopped moving for a second. Scorpion, however, got the upper hand as he finally began weakening Dante's defenses. Bond, however, didn't stand any chance at all against his enemy. Sub-Zero just froze all the bullets that the 00 agent shot at him. As Dante and Bond went back to back to face their foes, Scorpion used his snake to wrap them up, along with the four women. "!og su teL" Amber shouted. But it was no use. Sub-Zero proceeded to freeze them all in a giant block of ice. Both men dragged the group of popsicles away, laughing maniacally…

**-Snake's group: Nintendo Castle-**

"Who the hell are you?" Snake said as he butt-raped E.T. with Ottacon's face. "It's-a me, Mario! I'm-a gonna kill you!" the fat man in red shouted. Ottacon stared at him as he laughed out the digits of Pi. All of them. "You? Kill us? It's four on one!" As he said this, however, a huge, smelly ape crashed through Ottacon's ribcage, causing Snake to arm-wrestle himself, and lose. "Oh boy! It's-a Donkey Kong!" Mario said in his annoyingfuck voice. Crash and Coco looked at each other and immediately charged at the two enemies, spinning and thrashing around. Ottacon looked at Snake who, in return, had angry sex with an ewok. As he finished his furry fornication, a super computer decided to burst through a wall. "You! Me! Chess! Now!" it shouted in a robotic voice. Showing no fear whatsoever, Ottacon sat down and began to battle the machine in a game of chess. Snake pulled out a cigarette and began relaxing, when suddenly… "SNAKE!" a voice rang out, startling the hero and causing him to ingest his cigarette. "Who's there?" he shouted as he devoured the rest of his cigarettes, out of spite. "Why, don't you remember your own pals, Snake? After all, you and I were once close friends…" As the voice echoed, a man walked into Snake's line of sight. "In case you've forgotten… my name is Revolver…" "Ocelot!" Snake exclaimed as he beat himself in the face with a hammer in an attempt to tenderize it. "Smoking is bad for your health, old friend." Ocelot began. "But then again, so are bullets!" As he finished his sentence, he withdrew two revolvers and fired at Snake, who barely got out of the way in time. "That's it, Pissy McFuckshit!" Snake shouted in an attempt to make Ocelot cry, but it was no use. "You can't hide from me forever, Snake!" Ocelot responded as Snake ducked behind a wall. Meanwhile, Crash and his sister were beating the hell out of Mario and DK. "Ow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow!" Mario shouted. Suddenly, DK grabbed Coco around the neck. "Crash… help…" she choked out. As Crash heard her cries, he lunged at the smelly fuck ape, tackling him over. Crash had counted on his momentum to knock the monkey down. However, he didn't count on the pit of fire-breathing fire behind him. The bandicoot and the fuckface ape both fell to their painful, fiery deaths. "CRASH!" Coco cried out; but it was no use. Her brother had died protecting her life. As she cried, Mario walked over and attempted to console her.

"Check!" the computer shouted in Ottacon's face, which began to sweat. Out of nowhere, a bluefuck fiend imploded in front of them and assaulted Ottacon, only to implode again and disappear. Upon seeing this, the machine laughed at Ottacon. "Wait a minute," the nerd started. "You're a damn computer! You can't have emotions!"As he said this, the computer exploded into thousands of pieces. "Check… and… mate…" Ottacon said, coolly. "Here, little Snake…" Ocelot beckoned. "Come out and play!" Snake responded by tempting Eve with the fruit of knowledge. He then punched her repeatedly in the ovaries, thus making him the father of mankind. "Stop fooling around and face me!" Ocelot shouted. "FACE ME!" "If you insist," Snake said as he removed his face and beat Ocelot with it. As he attacked, his enemy dropped the weapons he was wielding. Snake quickly retrieved them and aimed them in the old man's face. "Any last words?" he asked as he jumped rope with Raiden's non-existent penis. Before Ocelot could reply, however, a big explosion went off, obliterating one of the castle walls. "Sony! Nintendo! Get out of there, now!" Sephiroth's voice echoed in. As the ground began to quake, Ocelot managed to get his revolvers from Snake's grip and escape. "We'll meet again, Snake!" he shouted as Snake beat himself in the face with a steamboat. Mario grabbed Coco and led her out to safety. "SNAKE!" Ottacon shouted. "Let's go!" He and Snake turned and fled the interior of the castle. The earth trembled violently as they all ran for their lives…

**-McLister and Cloud: Center of the Woods of Niv Leseid-**

McLister was exploding through the woods when he spotted Cloud through the trees, which he then proceeded to eat for being in his field of view. Cloud, upon hearing the noises of wood being digested, turned and walked over to McLister. "Hey man, what are you doing here? Don't you have some people to fight or something?" Cloud asked. McLister responded by thinking of punching Raiden in the face, causing Raiden to start crying, wherever in the world he was. Cloud nodded in agreement, when suddenly a thunderous explosion was heard not far from where they were standing. McLister shot a glance in the direction of the explosion causing every tree in that direction to eat itself out of fear. On the newfound treeless area, the two heroes caught sight of what was causing the explosive eruptions: Boba Fett and Nightcrawler. The heroes quickly turned and hid behind two trees, both of which erupted into a festival of Ottacon's face.

Ottacon shrieked in pain wherever he was at this point in time, and in response, Snake impaled a giraffe with an elderly woman.

This explosion got the attention of Boba Fett and Nightcrawler, and they immediately approached the two heroes. Cloud and McLister looked at each other confusedly as the freakish blue man repeatedly imploded into a puff of smoke and appeared somewhere else. "You think we can take them?" Cloud finally asked McLister. McLister looked over at Cloud and imploded into a pile of bricks and gerbils, which then reformed into his former self. This was enough for Cloud, who immediately took up his sword and charged at the flying Fett man. "It's ON!" McLister shouted, causing a rift to form in the ground. Upon seeing Cloud rushing at him, Boba Fett swept to the side and flew up, coming to a rest after Cloud had passed. He then shot a few blasts at Cloud, but they were intercepted by McLister's pecs. Cloud then turned around and leapt off of McLister's shoulders toward Fett when McLister released the energy blasts back in the direction of his flying comrade. The energy then reached Cloud who took his massive sword and swung at it, slicing the energy in two, and sending an explosive wave at Boba Fett. Fett saw this and tried to escape, but it was no use. He was hit with the wave of energy as his body burst into a cloud of particles, which slowly fell to the ground. Nightcrawler, after seeing his friend being obliterated into powder with seemingly incredible ease, began to feel worried. Cloud, upon falling to the ground, looked over at the bluefuck enemy. Nightcrawler let all feelings of fear go and rushed at the pair of heroes. McLister saw this and immediately punched himself in the face to show how serious he was about this battle. Cloud picked up his sword and swung it at the blue freak but hit nothing but air. Nightcrawler was going to be tougher to take down because of his power to implode himself. Cloud turned around and swung again, but again hit nothing. McLister was thoroughly confused and so he beat his face onto the ground until he realized what was happening. He turned and looked at the tree behind him. Nightcrawler was perched on a branch in the tree and began taunting McLister.

McLister became infuriated, causing his face to explode into a squad of mini-McListers, each of which ran towards Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler teleported and kicked Ottacon in the face, then warped again and appeared behind Cloud. "This is fuck," McLister spewed the words from his multiple faces. He rounded up all of his miniature McListers and shoved them in his eyeballs. He then rapidly blinked at Nightcrawler, causing the mini soldiers to erupt at him. The blue fiend repeatedly imploded into smoke and dodged every smallfuck that came his way. However, this weakened him AND McLister a lot. Cloud was also trying to catch a breather from the intense battle. McLister shouted at a field of daisies for not being roses, which then morphed into roses out of fear. Suddenly, however, a nearby tree imploded as three figures flew out. Before anyone could act, Vin's deafening voice exploded fiery words unto them. "THIS IS GAMBIT, TOAD, AND JOHNNY CAGE! MORTAL KOMBAT! YOU! NOW!" "But two of them aren't even Mortal Kombat guys!" Ottacon whined from wherever he was at this point, causing Snake to ejaculate cheese graters. "THEY HAVE TEAMED UP WITH THE MUTANTS TO DEFEND MY HOLY GROUNDS! ARE YOU WORTHY TO SHOW HOW WORTHY YOU ARE OF BEING WORTHY TO LIVE!" Vin bawled.

Before the battle could begin, Snake decided to store a few of the cheese graters in his naval… just in case…

**-Seredith and Starr Girl's group: Lightsaber Duel in Niv Leseid-**

Tifa, Cool Spot, Raiden, Seredith, and Stone Cold all watched in awe as Starr Girl stood face to fuckhelmet with the dark knight of the Sith. Raiden began to cry as he fainted like a bitch. Cool Spot closed his lack of eyes as he hid in Tifa's boobs. Stone Cold argued with an aardvark about the meaning of life as he gave the forest a stunner. "You can do it, babe!" Tifa shouted words of encouragement to Starrs. "Your confidence blinds you, young warrior," the dark lord replied. "You tell her, Vader!" a storm trooper shouted. Darth Vader replied by Stone Cold giving a stunner to a wombat. As the baldfuck's actions distracted Starr Girl, Vader began his assault. The lightsabers clashed as they emitted a drone, humming sound. Starr Girl deflected a series of attacks, but couldn't take the offensive. Vader didn't give her time to breathe, let alone get an attack in. Parrying on slash after another, the Sony fighter was getting worn out, fast. "You have much frustration, but you do not use it," the Sith warrior taunted. "Starrs! You can do it!" Tifa shouted. "And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!" Austin stunnered words from his stunner mouth stunner. But Starrs was backed against a tree as Vader maliciously and relentlessly bombarded her with attacks. Finally, the young Sony hero dropped her lightsaber. "All too easy," Darth cackled. Suddenly, one of the storm troopers shot the dark lord in the back. As he screamed in pain, Starr Girl erupted light everywhere. "RUN!" she shouted, bringing the lightsaber with her. By the time the explosion of light vanished, the Sony group was nowhere to be seen. The rogue storm trooper was gone, as well. "BLAST!" Vader shouted.

Meanwhile, Sony had warped across the forest, thanks to Starr Girl. "Where are we?" Seredith asked. "Looks like there was a war here," Starrs replied as Austin stunnered a brick wall. "Watch out!" they heard as Snake and company ran by them, shouting. Before Seredith could ask any questions, however, a giant castle began walking towards them. Ottacon ran, screaming like a little girl. Snake shouted at the scenery in his way to fucking move. It did. As the group sprinted around the ruins, the castle came to a halt. Snake turned to face the castle as he stared at Tifa's boobs. "I'm tired of running!" he imploded. The castle stood toe-to-bricks with Snake, who was busy whittling grenades out of Ottacon's face. Suddenly, a voice cried out from within the fortress. "SONY! NINTENDO! YOU ARE BOTH INFERIOR TO ME AND MY AWESOMENESS! NOW DIE!" A few of the rocks fell out as giant guns poked out of the openings. "IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, SNAKE!" it shouted, firing laser beams at Snake. Snake punched the castled once and then sprinted around, dodging the blasts. "That's it!" Snake bellowed as he swallowed his own face. "This is war!" He pulled out his knife and prepared to battle the castle, but to no avail. The weapon had no effect on the stone. "Snake, just give up!" Sephiroth shouted. However, Snake just kept running around, trying to find a weak point in the monstrosity. "Why won't you die?" Snake screamed as he morphed into Janet Jackson and back, merely to prove he could. "FACE IT! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!" the voice echoed through the forest. But Snake wouldn't relent. He kept swinging at his enemy. As the rest of the group watched, laser blasts flew by from behind them. "Get them!" Darth Vader shouted as a swarm of storm troopers charged straight at the heroes. "Mama-mia!" Mario squeaked in his ridiculous accent. Snake replied by punching his fist through Nick Lynn's face, causing his pelvis to erupt. "Who was that?" Coco asked. Snake growled at her, causing Raiden's face to impale Ottacon.

"I thought Vader and his army were on Nintendo's side," Raiden bitched. "We serve only the Spirits of this Sacred Forest," the dark knight growled. He revealed his lightsaber and approached Starr Girl. Snake regurgitated a symphony orchestra, which played music from Star Wars Episode One. "I am your father," Vader exclaimed as Starrs faced him, causing everyone to randomly shout out some shit. "Mama-Mia!" "I am the one!" "SNAAAAAAAAKE!" "What you talking' 'bout, Willis?" Snake grabbed Ottacon as the castle shot out more lasers, causing the catchphrase fiesta to cease. "I need your help, Hal! Distract these damn storm troopers so I can kill this fuckbrick castle! I believe in you!" he screamed as he molested bamboo while eating a panda. "Thanks… buddy…" Ottacon said as he smiled. He turned around and faced the militia, which was currently marching towards them. "For Snake… for my friend…" Ottacon whispered to himself. Then he began to scream. "FOR SNAAAAKE!" he shouted as the quadratic formula erupted from his face, flying straight at the troops. "Advanced mathematics? NOOO!" they shrieked as their heads imploded. Meanwhile, Starrs took the lightsaber she had from her earlier encounter with the sithfuck. "Let's finish this," she said. But Vader grabbed her in a force chokehold. "You used your powers last time. Now you shall DIE!" "NOO!" they heard a shout from behind Vader. The Sith lord loosened his grip and turned around, just in time to see Konville flying at him, electricity all around his awesome body. Darth tried to move, but it was too late. With a few quick thrashes, slashes, and pistachios, Konville left the dark knight in a heap on the ground, dead. "You… you saved me…" Starrs said as Konville lifted her up. "I have to repay you now…" she whispered as she had wild sex with him. She then turned back time and did it again.

As everyone looked away from the woodland porno, Snake continued his battle with the castle. "Goku!" Konville shouted between sex. "Help him!" Goku exploded from Raiden's rectum and flew inside of Snake. As they combined, Snake started glowing. He shouted some illiterate shit, or whatever you call words that you can't understand, as his face morphed into a photon cannon. "Whoa," Ottacon said as Stone Cold gave Jupiter a stunner. He then proceeded to give that stunner a stunner. As Snake's face completed it's metamorphosis, the castle began to scurry in retreat; but it wasn't fast enough. Snake's photon-face erupted as a huge, orange beam struck the castle. The fortress fell over in a pile of rubble. As the Sony and Nintendo heroes celebrated, however, the rubble began to move. "What the fucknugget is this shitfuck face shit fuck?" Snake fucked. "Uh-oh," Tifa said. As Goku battled the Y2K bug in hand-to-hand combat, a dark figure emerged from the stones. "This can't be good," Ottacon said. The figure began to laugh sinisterly as he turned around to face the warriors…

**REVIEWS**

**WELL… this sucks… one review for Chapter 2, two reviews for Chapter 3… I must say, it's quite disappointing. However, all you people who go to school with Eric and I have given us some great comments, so THANK YOU and we have already begun working on Chapter 5! So STAY TUNED! Or whatever the fuck you do to the Internet…**

**_CStarrz_ – Thank you for being the ONE PERSON who reviews every chapter! I hope you liked this one, as well, and decide to review AGAIN!**

**_Acer_ – Honestly, who the hell could stand Raiden in the game, Metal Gear Solid 2? I know I couldn't haha… and I hope you enjoyed Snake's meal choices this time around! READ ON AND REVIEW!**


	5. No Hope In Sight

**APOLOGY: We deeply apologize for being such assjacks and posting chapters one through four within two weeks, and then not getting back to this for like half a year. High school is brutal. You know this (most of you). However, here it is, Chapter 5!**

**DISCLAIMER: All of the shit contained in this awesome is completely not ours... except for the stuff that has spawned from our awesome minds. It should be clear which is which. And if its not you need to have someone pile drive a wallaby through your face immediately. DO IT! **

**THE CASTLE RUINS IN NIV LESEID**

"Who the hell are you, you crazy cunt bear?" Snake shouted at the silhouette of a man that was facing him face to face with his face. "I am your father," the shadowy man said. Just then Darth Vader punched a baby walrus in the teeth because he could sense that someone stole his line, causing Goku to excrete the Titanic through every one of Ottacon's pores. "Quit fucking around," Snake erupted as he slammed a revolving door shut. "Answer me!" But the figure just chuckled as he crossed his arms. Goku showed his discontent at the crossing of arms by shitting out 12 fully grown elephants, who then shat out 12 fully grown Ottacons. "I'm tired of being used as a pawn to your nonsense, Goku! Now if you would just--" Ottacon started, but was cut off when Snake transformed into Snake, who then transformed back into Snake. This thoroughly confused Ottacon, causing his face to explosively implode. "You fool around as if this was just a game, but you have no idea what you are up against," the shadow shouted. Snake drew his pistol and shot himself in the leg fifteen times to make sure it was loaded. He then shot at the dark figure's head. Before the bullets reached him, however, the man remembered the titans. "QUESTION MARK" Snake exclaimed as he ate his own head to show how surprised he was. "You think THAT was something?" the silhouette laughed. He pulled out a giant battle axe and ate it, which he then shat out in the general direction of the heroes. As they scrambled out of the way, the shady figure continued to eat large, sharp objects and erupt them from his bowels at the heroes. As Snake dodged a national art museum, the movie 'National Treasure', and the National Anthem, he leapt behind a boulder, which turned out to be Goku's face. "What do we do now?" Snake asked as he head butted a male deer in the groin, causing it to give birth to another male deer, which then gave birth to Ottacon's face. Goku replied by powerbombing Uranus through his own anus. Realizing the irony of this, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his spare pockets, just in case. "You're right," Konville said to Goku as he joined the two heroes. "You can understand him?" Snake asked. "Of course," the warrior replied. "Goku and I go way back. We used to battle refrigerators together back in kindergarten." Goku smiled as he removed kitchen appliances from his eyes, which he then proceeded to elbow drop. Konville nodded and proceeded to assault the wall he was standing next to, which then transformed into a tower of towers. Goku then turned to the newly formed super tower and erupted lasers from his earlobes causing the tower to erode into a small army of Tower Records stores.

"How is this going to help us?" Ottacon shouted in Braille. "Don't give me those dots!" Snake shouted as he beat the shit out of a square, causing it to turn into a circle. "He's right," Konville said. "We have to team up and defeat this shadowfuck." As he said this, Goku won the Nobel Prize for not winning the Nobel Prize. Then, all three heroes withdrew their weapons and charged in the direction of their enemy. JUMANJI! Goku flew straight at the dark menace, but he was stopped when his enemy threw the Grand Canyon at him. Konville swung his sword wildly, but his foe blocked and parried his blows by shouting the words "block" and "parry" at Konville's sword. Snake killed himself in an attempt to not kill himself. "Die, shadow bitch!" he yelled. However, the evil being was unaffected by Snake's words. Instead, he caught the words, turned them into chicken wings, and stuffed them in his eyes. "Why did he do that?" Ottacon asked, causing Goku to make sweet, African love to an emu's face. Before anyone could react, a man in a long, black trench coat walked over to the evil warrior. "Master Shade," he said as he bowed. "We have taken control of yet another section of Niv Leseid. Do you want us to dispose of these imbeciles?" "Relax, young master Belmont. You have done well more than I had expected of you. You are being promoted to be one of my generals. Choose any one of our bases to rule." "Thank you, sir," the man replied. "I shall choose the grand castle in the eastern section. Hence force, I am General Trevor Belmont, ruler of the Castlevania base." Shade laughed sinisterly. Snake stared at them by screaming the word stare into Ottacon's face repeatedly. Suddenly, Sephiroth flew over and dumped Cloud's unconscious body next to the three Sony warriors and Ottacon. He then landed next to Trevor and Shade, smiling menacingly. "Cloud!" Konville yelled. "What have you done to him? And where are the others?" Sephiroth stared silently for a moment. "They are alive, for now. They have been put somewhere for... safekeeping, if you will..." Shade nodded to show his happiness for Sephiroth's report. "Well done... very well done... just the way I like it," he said as he ate a medium-rare steak, out of spite. "You, also, have earned yourself the title of general. You now control the Promised Land base in the west," he said to Sephiroth. "As for you," he started to say to the Sony warriors. "You will be split up throughout this world and tested. You may think you can align with Nintendo, but in my realm, it's survival of the fittest. Whoever wants to live will have to fight for that right. Don't think you can beat me or my warriors, for you have no power compared to me!" "What makes you so sure?" Snake said as he built hotels on Boardwalk.

As Shade was about to make some sort of fuckfaced remark, Konville charged at him again. Shade pulled a sword out of thin air and deflected the flurry of attacks with ease. As they battled, Goku flew over with the sword Konville had given him before and attempted to aid his friend. However, Shade continued to hold them off. Snake threw Snake at Snake's face, which didn't affect the battle whatsoever. Suddenly, Cloud jumped up and ran over, slashing at the enemy. Shade began to sweat as he realized the strength of the Sony warriors. This advantage, however, didn't last too long. Sephiroth flew over and tackled Cloud out of the way. They rolled across the dirt and rocks as they scuffled. Trevor pulled out a long, metal whip and assaulted Goku with it, taking him out of the battle with Shade. As Konville tried to fight the evilfuck, every member of Sony froze simultaneously. An eerie, purple shade surrounded each one of them as Shade began his shady laugh. "Fools! I told you, you have no power compared to me!" "He's controlling us... with some sort of... psychic powers..." Ottacon managed to force out, causing Snake to argue with rocks, thus creating the Rocky Mountains. Shade blinked, causing Sony to fly back into a wall of post-it notes, each one with the word "wall" on them. As they groaned in pain, Sephiroth slowly walked up to Cloud, picking him up by his throat. "Welcome to the Promised Land," he said sinisterly. He flew up into the air as a portion of the sky imploded, transforming into a portal of some sort. Trevor Belmont wrapped Goku up in his whip and flung him into the portal, as well. Snake signed the Declaration of Independence in an attempt to order a pizza, causing him to be sucked into the portal. Suddenly, a scientifically-impossible problem appeared in front of Ottacon, causing him to transform into a projectile and fly into the portal. Shade grabbed Konville by the throat as he punched a gerbil in a guinea-pig's face. "If you think you are in trouble now, just wait… things are just beginning to… heat up..." He laughed maniacally as he assaulted a door knob, sending Konville hurtling toward the ground. Just as he came in contact with the dirt, everything went black…

**Konville: Volcanic Volcanoes**

Konville opened his eyes to see that he was in an enormous pit of fire. He got to his feet and turned around. As his sight slowly returned, he saw through the haze and fire a silhouette of a large man. Konville rushed at him, ready to attack. The large man responded by bench pressing a bench while sitting on it. "Oh, it's you, McLister!" Konville said, relieved. "Where the hell are we?" he detonated at McLister. McLister responded by silently exploding. "You think so?" Konville asked, apparently understanding McLister's odd way of communicating. McLister head butted himself in the face just to prove he could. Just then the two heroes heard a distant scream as they saw flashes of bright light. Konville immediately turned and ran in the direction of the screams. McLister followed Konville by eating all of the ground in front of him, thus propelling himself forward. The two rounded a corner and caught sight of Shade; next to him, Starr Girl was bound together with beavers. "You had better come quickly, fools! These beavers are mighty hungry and I have doused your little friend here in tree scented perfume." "Help GAME!" Starr Girl shouted, but her shouts only angered the beavers who began gnawing at her ankles. "Khris!" Konville shouted. "So… the 'Starr Girl' has a name…" Shade chuckled. McLister turned to the wall next to him and gave it a stern look, causing it to erode into a pile of McLister, which then reformed into McLister. "I won't let you get away with this, Shade," Konville shouted as he leapt forward, drawing his sword and preparing for battle. The newly formed McLister punched himself in the left nipple which caused him to turn into a monster truck. As Konville was flying toward him, Shade drew his swords, which he then used to cut off his sleeves, thus further drawing his hands. Shade tossed away his swords and threw Starr Girl to off to the side, despite her not being in his hands. Konville landed in front of Shade and swung his blade at his enemy. Shade grabbed a hold of Konville's sword and tossed it into the fiery abyss below. "You cannot defeat me, Mr. Game! I am far too power!" "That may be, but I'm not alone here." Just then McLister, in his new truck form, sped toward Shade. "What do you think you are going to do?" Shade asked as he stared at the apparent oncoming traffic. "Distract you for a second or two," Konville said as he swung himself at Shade, striking him in the side of his face. Shade stumbled for a second and, in his unsuspecting state, was run over by McLister. "Get in!" Konville shouted at his own face, which leapt into McLister's open window as Konville jumped in the other. "I'm driving," Konville said after getting in, but was shut down when the dashboard punched a baby ferret in the Ottacon. "Or you could, Gristle."

With Konville and his face in the truck, they hurriedly made their escape from the wrath of Shade, for now. "Gristle… we can't just leave her back there with that monster…" Konville shouted. However, McLister looked in his rear view mirror, which was also his face. "He grabbed her and vanished," he told Konville as he 18-wheeled over rocks with his 4 wheels, despite the fact that he was now a hovercraft. "Could you stop transforming for five damn minutes? This is serious!" Konville scolded the dinosaur. "Sorry," McLister said, turning back into his former, awesome self. Just as they started to walk again, Gristle tripped over nothing. "What are you doing," Konville asked. "Apparently losing my motor skills," McLister said as his muscles levitated to an upright position. Before Konville could reply, Seredith Myth materialized in front of them. "Myth! What are you doing here?" McLister shouted at his shouts. "After that scuffle in the forest, I saw those men thrashing you. I went invisible and watched as you were sucked into that portal, Konville. So, naturally, I followed you to try and save you." "Thanks, Ser, but I don't want you getting hurt, too. I've already got to try and save Khris, and McLister here is too caught up in showing off his random awesomeness to watch over you." "I'm a big girl," the invisi-warrior said, smiling. "I can handle myself." "I could watch over her," McLister said as he proceeded to not watch over her. "It's fine, guys. I'll be ok." The three heroes walked off across the barren terrain, hoping to find some sort of life form… or more important, water…

**Goku: Everywhere, but Nowhere**

Explosions. Giraffes. Giant Frogs. It was utter chaos. It was mildly tepid and the only forecast available was death. Random sentences like these flew by Goku as he tried to figure out where he was, or more importantly, when he was. No, scratch that, just where he was. He was in a clock store so he knew when he was. Actually, we just said he was in a clock store, so he knew where he was too. In fact, none of this is important except someone was somewhere. Period.

Goku sat there and stared at the surrounding clockage, each one showing a different time. He didn't know exactly what time it was, but he knew one thing for sure. It was time for a cup o' joe, and luckily, he was in a Starbucks. I know, we just said he was in a clock store, but fuck you. We are the writers of this story, we are the creators of the awesome, and we. Goku sat sipping his espresso with 100 mocha in it, making it mocha and not an espresso. As he stared at the clocks, he didn't stare at the clocks. There were no clocks. What the fuck is wrong with you? He's at Starbucks! Dammit!

Goku sat bathing in his tub while smoking a quality Cuban cigar. Men stormed in the front door of the clock store and he shot at all of them with an assault something. "Say 'ello to my little friend!" "CUT CUT CUT! This isn't Scarface! Get your shit together or you're fired, I'm hired, you're out, he's in, we're fired, I'm in, and Yoko Ono is the clown," the director shouted at him.

As Goku tried to grasp what in VIN's name was going on, he heard an echoing, sinister laugh from somewhere within the Starbucks. HE WAS IN A DAMN CLOCK STORE! BURN IN HELL! "Aww, are we a bit confused, Goku?" the evil voice chuckled. Goku responded by YOU'RE A FUCKING CHILD MOLESTER. "Riddle me this, and riddle me that. What weighs 8 ounces and is extremely dangerous? Hmmm? Take a guess!" The voice questioned and demanded the hero. "A sparrow with a machine gun!" Robin exclaimed. Goku shot Robin a glance and a thumbs up. "Anytime, old pal!" the flamboyant boy wonder exasperated emancipation proclamation conundrum effervescence. BOOYA!

The Riddler only chuckled some more as Robin vanished into the vanishing pit of vanishing cream vanish. "All he proved was that my world is purely perfected," he laughed. "You are caught in my own little insanity-riddled world, where up is down and left is Canada." Goku. "That's what I thought," the question-strewed man bellowed. "You and your sentence fragments wouldn't survive a day in this world. Which is why I have decided to help you get through, but at a cost, of course." Goku temporarily changed his name to Stan. "Well then, shall we begin?" the Riddler riddled with a fiddle in the middle of the night. I hate rhymes. As Goku fellated a donkey, the Riddler levitated around in a yoga-type position and beckoned for Goku to follow. The two of them walked (and floated) all of five steps (and floatation maneuvers) before the world around them changed twenty-five times. Even Goku, who was currently wearing a baboon, was thoroughly and utterly confused at what he was seeing. "I know you're wondering why all this is happening," the lean green fiend creamed… all over Goku's face. Goku just cried as he wondered why the author didn't just use "screamed", which rhymes just as easily and is less messy. "I know I told that imbecile Shade that I was going to remain neutral in his little struggle for control, but I've decided that it'd be much more fun to screw with his intellectuality. You know, mess with his mind."

The Riddler explained to Goku that he had taught Shade how to open and use portals to warp from location to location, or more importantly, warp his enemies into his little traps where they would have to fight each other to get out alive. "As of now, Shade and I are the only two with the knowledge to use this power… but there's always room for a third…"

**Snake: Some Unknown Location**

Above him was a blue, glass-like ceiling. Below him he felt the cold, icy ground. "Why do I always wake up in an ice cave?" he moaned. "This is a common experience for you?" He heard a high pitched nerdy voice coming from behind him. "Why won't you die?" "Snake! It's me! Ottacon!" "I stand by what I said," Snake exclaimed. "Well, since you're queer… err… here… why don't you use your scientifability to find out where we are?" "Well, if X4 and the sun is illuminating the moon at a 45 degree angle to the tangent of pi radians, and the 3rd quatrain of Edgar Allen Poe reflects the compatibility of Mars raised to the 7th power, then we are in an ice cave." Snake's face turned into a vacuum in an attempt to suck the stupidfuck out of Ottacon. "I could have figured that out on my own, assjack!" He shouted. "At least tell us how we can get out of here and regroup with the rest of Sony." Ottacon pondered for a few seconds before Snake beat him for pondering instead of contemplating. "We could build a sophisticated system of tunnels and dishes using toothbrushes and Q-Tips to burrow into the mantle of the planet, where we could stay for a prolonged period of time until we manage to spot a lava flow leading up to one of the planet's many volcanoes." "Sounds like a plan. I'm on it," Snake shouted while shoveling rocks into Ottacons eyes using his own face. "Why…..why always me?" Ottacon sputtered out between sobs and rocks and socks. Snake responded by spontaneously combusting, leaving just a small pile of snake-like ashes, which he likes to call snashes.

As they were about to put their plan into action, the ceiling caved in around them. "What the science?" Ottacon formulated. A figure stood up from the icy rubble and immediately charged at Snake who, in defense, lobotomized an angry elderly hyena. "This is where you meet your end, Snake!" the silver, surfer-type man thing person shouted in a very silver way while surfing on a silver surfboard while making things out of silver with his silver hands which he often uses for surfing through silver water on a surfboard made of silver-like silver. "Who the hell are you, the Gold Jogger?" Snake shouted. Ottacon just sighed at the mockery of the periodic table of elements. He then wrote a chemical equation to prove that the last sentence made perfect sense. "I am the Silv…" "Don't tell me," Snake said. "You're Captain Copper! Admiral Aluminum? Lieutenant Lithium? The Gallium Goblin?" "Snake, it's obvious that he's the Silver Surfer," Ottacon scoffed. "Actually, I'm The Thing. The lighting in this cave contorted my rockish physique. How about now?" He moved 0.0001 degrees to the nowhere. "He's hideous!" Ottacon cried on Snake's shoulder, which melted into Ottacon's eyes. "That's it," the mountain eroded… all over his face… "I'm tired of people treating me like I'm some sort of big The Thing made of rocks and such!" "But that's exactly correct!" Ottacon concluded. "Actually, it's just the lighting again. By all your powers combined, you have summoned me, Captain Planet!" As he said this, a musical fanfare played out of his grundle. "What in VIN's name…" Snake started, but was interrupted as Captain Planet morphed into a recycling bin and back again. "What the hell?" Ottacon emancipated, thus freeing the slaves. "With your help, we can make the world a healthier and cleaner place, free of pollution and full of recyclable justice." Before he could blink, Snake rammed an aluminum can down his fuck throat. "Oh, it's on," the light blue fag with incredibly short shorts shortly shouted. "Don't get short with me," Snake shouted, followed by "PUN INTENDED!"

Snake rolled as he rolled while rolling behind an icy wall. "Face it, I have enough guns and ammo to cleave your pretty little face up a thousand times over. What the hell do you have?" Captain Planet chuckled heartily as he opened his chest plate. "I have my planeteers!" he shouted as five young teens jumped out of his right calf. "Earth!" "Fire!" "Wind!" "Water!" "Heart!" Snake immediately started laughing ewoks from his mouth, which he then consumed again. "Who are these ass turds?" he choked as he digested the furry friends. "We're the planeteers! You can be one, too! 'Cause saving our world is the thing to do! Now hear what Captain Planet has to say!" Snake and Ottacon stared in anticipation of whatever fag thing C.P. had to say, but he only responded with "I'll fucking kill your face." "Oh, shut your pollute hole, Admiral Alumibitch." Within a heartbeat, Snake had shot and killed each of the planeteers except for 'Heart'. The little Indian boy ran away with his monkey in his vagina. "Now it's just you and me," Snake snickered. "Doesn't matter, the only power that little bitch had was to make things love other things. I can take you by myself, with cleanliness on my side!" He then leapt into a nearby trash truck and sped towards Snake. "Get out of my way, Hal!" Snake screamed at his buddy as Captain Trashfuck approached. However, he was too late. As Snake rolled out of the way, Ottacon was struck by the waste management vehicle. "Dammit!" the radiantly homosexual truck-driver yelled. "Wrong evil-doer! It's the snake that must die! VIN wills it!" Hearing this, Snake vomited with rage into his own eyes. "How do you know about Vin? And what do you mean he wills it?" "How dare you speak VIN's name with lower-cased letters! He wants you dead, Snake! And I will be happy to acquiesce to his request! Bring it on, Snake!" "Consider it brought, cunt burger with cheese," Snake replied, charging at the truck and wielding a Six Flags in his hands. As the truck inched ever closer, Snake jumped into the air and withdrew the withdrawal of his withdrawing of his AK-47 assault rifle. "Oh, garbage," Capt. Planet sighed. "Nighty night, douche nozzle!" Snake cried as he pulled the trigger, causing a stream of bullets to protrude from the weapon and pierce the truck's roof. As Snake hit the ground, the truck exploded into various truck-like parts of a truck, which is usually what trucks would explode into if trucks exploded into stuff. In celebration, Snake refused to celebrate. At all. "Now let's get a move on, Hal," Snake started. To his horror, he turned and found his comrade lying on the ground, bleeding profusely from the facial face area. "Ottacon!" he screamed, running towards his fallen friend...

**Cloud : The Promised Land**

"My... my materia... my sword... it's all gone..." Cloud began to mutter to himself as he got to his feet. "Aeris... I need you..." the warrior began to cry silently. However, he was cut off by an evil, malevolent laugh from behind him. He turned around to see Sephiroth standing there. "Welcome!" he shouted as he drop-kicked Cloud... all over his face... Cloud rolled backwards a few times before being able to regain an erect position. FUCKING CLOCK STORE! "Why don't you just give up, puppet, and make this quick and painless?" Sephiroth mocked the young man who was being mocked. But Cloud just grinned as he didn't feel like finishing this sentence. "I will end everything!" he began, thus contradicting everything in the known universe. "This struggle between you and me, between good and evil, between Sony, Nintendo and Shade's army... it has to end!" Sephiroth just stared a hole through Cloud, not moving his sight once. Suddenly, he reached into his huge cape and threw Cloud's sword at him. "Fine... let's finish this then..." The second he had finished his sentence, he charged at Cloud, his sword firmly in his right hand. Cloud jumped up and took a defensive position, thus positioning himself defensively. As Sephiroth reached his foe, the two warriors swung wildly, their swords clashing. "You never could beat me, fool," Sephiroth taunted as he fought off his opponent. "This is where it ends, puppet. All I have to do is pull the right string..." As he said this, Cloud's sword was deflected back. Before Cloud could get a good grip on his weapon, his adversary slashed at him, cutting his arm. He screamed in pain as he dropped his ridiculously large sword, rendering him weaponless, defenseless, senseless, and fenceless. Yes, people, I said it. Fenceless. "Sephiroth... why are you helping Shade? What's in it for you?" Cloud asked, looking at his armed enemy. But Sephiroth didn't seem in the mood to talk. "Why should I discuss this with you? You couldn't even begin to understand... Shade has promised us power beyond human understanding. All I have to do is see to it that he gets total control over Niv Leseid, and so far I'd say we're halfway there." He paused for a second, deep in thought, surrounded by demons and dark secrets and dark demons and decrets, which are secrets that demons tell. "Sephiroth... I know you see it like I do. Shade is using you for conquest. Why would kill all of us just to see to it that he gets what he wants? Who's to say that he won't turn around and kill you when he's done?" Sephiroth didn't say anything, but he knew Cloud was right. "C'mon, Sephiroth." "No... I can't... I won't... no... NO!" Sephiroth shouted. He turned his back to Cloud and flew off into the distance, sword in hand.

**Shade's Lair**

"Everything is going according to plan, Master Shade," a man dressed as a storm trooper told the man sitting in his throne made of gold and dead babies. "Excellent," he said to his soldier as he ate a homeless man's lunch. "Whatever happened to the rest of those imbeciles in the forest?" the soldier asked. "I threw the rest of them into the Riddler's portals," Shade replied as he finished making a cell phone out of the souls of a thousand virgins. "Haha. Virgin mobile. Get it?" he chuckled, swallowing the homeless man whose lunch he had stolen prior to these sentences. "Sony never saw it coming. They thought Sephiroth had turned good. HA! Every man has his price, as the saying goes," he continued as he put price tags on a baby seal, suffocating it. As he did this, a piercing scream could be heard from the dungeons below. "What was that?" the soldier asked his master who was currently slitting a knife with his wrists. "Oh, that's that bitch, Starr Girl. I had her locked up in the dungeon with that Tifa girl. I figured that Cloud and Konville are two of Sony's greatest assets. Take away what they each love most and it destroys them mentally. Destroy them mentally and it's that much easier to destroy them physically." He looked at his soldier as he shot a puppy in the face. "You understand, don't you?" he asked. "Yes, sir. Very well, sir," was the soldier's response. "You, what's your name? I don't recall you being around very long." The man just stopped and chuckled as he took his helmet off. As he removed it, he gave a sinister smile and brushed his long hair out of his face. "Just call me Vincent..."

"Tifa... wake up..." Starr Girl tried to aid her friend, but it was of no use. Tifa was out cold, with bruises on her shoulders and neck. "Goddamn..." Starr Girl stood up and tried to use her powers, but to no avail. "Shade must've cast some sort of spell over his castle. I can't seem to use my powers at all. HELP! SOMEONE HELP!" As she screamed, Shade walked down the steps. "You need someone in that cell with you to keep you company, don't you?" he laughed sinisterly. "Don't come near me, you freak," she responded as she spat at him... all over his face... "Oh, but I wasn't talking about me," he laughed again as he roasted the Last of the Mohicans. The person, not the movie. He held his hand up and chanted some sort of incantation. Suddenly, right next to where the two woman were, a portal opened up. "Wha... what's going on?" she asked, frightened. "Why, it's an old friend... he's going to sit here and watch over you to make sure you don't attempt some sort of miraculous escape..." He laughed and walked away as a figure began to step out of the portal...

"Where do we go from here?" Konville said, mostly to himself. "Shade could be a million miles from here with Starr Girl by now, and God only knows what happened to the rest of our team." "You mean VIN only knows," Myth replied. "Right, right... VIN..." By this time the threesome of awesome allies were in some sort of canyon. They stopped just outside of the entrance to what seemed to be an icy cave. Just as they were falling asleep, Snake ran out of the entrance with Ottacon over his shoulder. "No time to explain!" Snake responded to the question that none of the allies had asked him. "Just run! Before I caused Captain Planet to be not alive, he told me where to go next if we're going to defeat Shade!" Eager to move forward in their battle with the evil Shade, the amazing alliance of awesome allies followed the path through the canyon, not stopping for a second...

Just to keep you up to date because it's been a long time...

Konville, McLister, Myth, Snake, and Ottacon are on their way to find the answer to defeating Shade.

Goku is in the Riddler's Realm.

Dante is with 007 and his women. They were all captured and taken away by Sub-Zero and Scorpion.

Crash died. -Cries-

Tifa and Starr Girl are captured by Shade.

Raiden, Stone Cold, Cool Spot, etc are all M.I.A. apparently thrown into portals by Shade.

Shade, Sephiroth, and Trevor Belmont are pretty much in total control at the time.

Hope some things are clearer now! Read and Review! Chapter 6 will be underway when I can think up the rest of the plot for the chapter...


	6. An Army of Ulmer

1**DISCLAIMER: Blah Blah Blah Blah We Blah Blah Blah Blah Own Blah Blah Blah Blah None Blah Blah Blah Blah Of Blah Blah Blah** **Blah The Blah Blah Blah Blah Sony And Nintendo Characters Blah Blah Blah Blah Featured In This Story Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.**

**Introduction to Chapter 6**

Things were looking grim for Sony at this point. Unable to regroup with their allies, some of the heroes were being held prisoner by the evil Shade or his minions. The others were traversing through the realm. Stone Cold, Raiden, Cool Spot and Coco were all transported into what seemed to be a giant, metal storeroom. Among them were the members of Nintendo, Mario and Ocelot. As they all gathered together to try and figure out what had happened, they found out they were not alone...

**Underground Base**

"I need to change my panties," Raiden cried. Cool Spot was whistling as he posed for 7UP bottles. Stone Cold kept himself busy by defending his championship against various boxes and light fixtures around the room. Mario was trying to open the only door to the room, but to no avail. It was bolted shut from the other side. Coco was sitting on a box next to Ocelot, who was leaning against one of the walls of the room. Attempting to figure out what was going on, they shared what they knew about the situation. "Do you remember anything that happened back in that forest?" Ocelot questioned the young, furry female. "That... Shade guy... he attacked us... he decimated our strongest allies with the help of that traitor, Sephiroth, and some Belmont guy. Afterwards, he threw us all into some portal. When we woke up, we were here. How did you get here?" she asked the man who was eating hot french fries at the moment. "When I escaped from that castle, I saw it... move..." he started, dropping his fries while his arm trembled with the intensity of a thousand exploding crotch-goblins, which can be pretty nasty at times. "I watched that castle come to life and attack you guys, which didn't bother me that much at first seeing as I reside in Valley of Living Castles, Pennsylvania. However, when I saw it assaulting my fellow Nintendo brethren, I ran back. Before I could get close enough to unleash my mighty wrath, some storm trooper attacked me, from behind of course. If it were face to face I would've raped his face." Coco just stared at him in false admiration. "Right... of... course you would have..." "Anyway, I forgot to mention that I was also fending off a fortress full of flaming death at the same time, which is the only reason why the storm trooper got the best of me. He knocked me unconscious. Of course, he must have used a .45 magnum. Otherwise, I would have welcomed the bullets with open arms." Stone Cold sighed at the ridiculous arrogance protruding from Ocelot's being. He then stunnered that sigh and beat it in a steel cage match. "Anyway, when I woke up I was here with you people..." Ocelot finished... all over her face... "Enough with sick innuendo!" Raiden moaned. "It's creeping me out, silly!" Cool Spot jumped in front of Raiden, thus ending his next sentence before he started it... get it? 'Cause Cool Spot is a period and periods end sentences? God damn, people don't appreciate a good pun like they used to...

Suddenly, they heard the door being opened. "Hide!" Ocelot shouted as he shoved Coco out of the way and hid like a coward. The rest of them hid behind crates and boxes as best they could. Coco watched as two men walked in, one dressed in a black and blue ninja-like suit, the other in black and yellow. They dragged in a large chunk of ice containing what looked like people in it... "Dante!" Coco let out a shriek by accident. The man in blue looked over and held his hand up. As Coco tried to scream, she was frozen where she stood. Mario ran to help her but he, too, met the same, frozen fate. Raiden looked in his purse and found out he was out of lip gloss, causing him to freeze like his allies. Stone Cold looked at Ocelot who, in return, looked at Ocelot. "I'm amazing," he said to Ocelot while jerking off to a picture of Ocelot. "Get over here!" the man in yellow shouted as a large, metal snake erupted from the palm of his hand. Stone Cold, however, thought of a cunning idea within seconds. He ran and jumped over the ice block containing Dante and the other figures, causing the metal snake to collide with the ice and shatter it, freeing it's hostages. "Oh, hell yeah!" Stone Cold stunnered. "Scorpion... Sub-Zero..." Dante started. "Feel the wrath of hell, you son-bitch!" As he said this, Sean Conn... err... James Bond stood up and threw Dante his guns and his infinite ammo. "Here, shonny!" he shouted. "Thish should do the trick!" Scorpion and Sub-Zero took a fighting stance as Dante, 007, Stone Cold and Ocelot prepared for battle.

Dante and Bond went right for the freeze-fuck, firing everything they had at him as he froze every bullet ever made. 007 rolled to his right and took cover as he tried to fix his jammed gun. Dante ran out of infinite ammo again and withdrew his flaming sword. To his surprise, however, Sub-Zero also pulled out a sword, except his was glowing with a cold, blue aura around it. "Let's feel the burn," Sub taunted. "Freeze!" Dante punned back. "You're such a hot head," the ninja responded. "Getting cold feet?" Dante snapped back. "Turn up the heat." "Chill out." "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." "You're so cold hearted." As the two men continued their verbal war, their two swords looked at each other, shrugged, and then commenced in a friendly game of chess. Scorpion went right after Ocelot, who withdrew his revolver and took aim. Before he could fire, however, he was distracted by his own reflection in the mirror he had attached to the weapon, and he immediately began baby-talking to the person in the reflection. "Who's an amazing, big man? You are! Yes you are!" As he did this, Scorpion used his huge metal snake to constrict his enemy and steal his weapon. "No!" Ocelot screamed as his mirror fell violently to the floor and shattered to pieces like a mirror shattering to pieces of a mirror that shattered to pieces. He fell to his knees and cried. "Now how do I remind myself how amazing I am?" "That's the bottom line!" Austin shouted at Austin, Texas. He ran up and met Scorpion's face with his feet in a drop-kicking fashion, knocking the ninja back a few decibels. Shut the hell up and don't try to correct me in my measurements. "Come here!" Scorpion shouted in a ridiculously obnoxious yelling-type fuck. Stone Cold leapt to the side and dodged a flurry of attack-fists, none of which belonged to Scorpion oddly enough. "That's a Casablanca Spankin'!" the bald sweaty man shouted. "Huh?" 007 asked Britishly. "I have tourettes syndrome," Austin erupted furiously. As 007 guffawed with delight, Scorpion kicked the gun from his hands. "Cool off," Dante continued with his opponent. "Great balls of fire," Sub-Zero responded.

Finally, as the two valiant warriors could no longer think of stupid puns, they withdrew their already withdrawn weapons and an epic sword fight ensued, one that was so incredible I cannot write the description for it here lest your eyes punch each other in the face until you give birth to your own death, which would be all kinds of crazy. "Good show," Bond said as the four girls that were also in the ice had thawed out in his pants. As the battle died down, Sub-Zero took one mighty swing at Dante, but the demon hunter fell to the floor, kicked out his opponent's feet, and held his sword to the ninja's neck. "Not so fast," he started. "It wouldn't be good to lose your head, would it?" "Not a great way to get ahead of the game," was his enemy's reply. Meanwhile, Stone Cold finally had Scorpion where he wanted him: in a position that was not where he didn't want him, but where he had been planning for him to be in all along in order to be in the specific spot that he knew was right where he had wanted him to be and not the place he didn't ever want him to be, unlike where he wanted him to be. This sentence confused Scorpion so much that he got caught off guard long enough for Austin to deliver a devastating stunner, breaking Scorpion's neck instantly. Before there was any time to celebrate, however, an alarm sounded throughout the room. "WARNING: SCORPION'S ESOPHAGUS HAS BEEN BREACHED, TRIGGERING THE SELF DESTRUCT MECHANISM OF THE BUILDING. TEN MINUTES 'TIL SELF DESTRUCT." "Oh, great," Sub-Zero started. "This could turn out to be an explosive experience." "Give it a rest, will 'ya?" Dante said as they tried to figure out how to escape in time...

**Shade Meets With The Ulmer**

"Sbarro," Shade shouted to his big buff barbarian bodyguard. "Cancel my 3o'clock baby wrenching appointment. I have some business to attend to." "Yes, my liege," some of the guard's muscles responded. Shade put on his Rudolph the red nose reindeer-skin cape and started walking out of his mighty fortress in the direction of That Way. "Where are you going, sir?" Vincent asked from the shadows. "I have to meet up with an old friend of mine, Moses Ulmer," the man replied as he wiped the goat's blood from his lips. "Shall I accompany you?" the vampire-man thing guy asked. "If you wish to," Shade said, belching out pieces of baby face. The two men stalked along the marshes and molten terrain towards That Way. "Careful, my liege," Vince said to Shade who was currently skull-fucking a unicorn. "These lands are infested with pocket goblins." "Pocket whatins?" Shade asked quickly. "Pocket goblins. Goblins small enough to fit in your pocket. They use magical spells and mind tricks. Be careful..." Fortunately for them, they did not encounter any pocket goblins. Unfortunately for them, within five seconds they were lost somewhere between neutral Switzerland and the Mexican border. "We'll need food soon," Vince said to his master as night quickly plummeted down upon their faces. "Way ahead of you," Shade replied as he devoured a stalk of corn smothered in 'I can't believe it's not baby!' "Shade, you are a despicable person and the epitome of the kind of grimy shit you find clogged in a thousand-year-old plumbing system. I couldn't be happier working with anyone else." Two days later, they arrived at Ulmer's pyramid in central That Way, just west of This Way. As Shade knocked at the giant doors...

"Who goes there?" a great, fat voice rang out. "It is I, Shade!" "Shade, you old bastard!" the voice echoed again, even fatter this time. "Come in, come in... wait... you DID bring food, didn't you?" "Well... I clipped my toenails this morning..." Shade replied. "Wonderful news! I'll have the wife cook them up right away! Come right in!" he shouted as he devoured every word that had been spoken. Shade and Vincent sat down at a big table and waited for Ulmer to join them. He walked in a few minutes later as the room was quickly filled to three times it's legal capacity. "So, what can I do for you today? Eat your faces? HAHA I'm just kidding, of course. I wouldn't eat my friends. Well, ok, not my CLOSE friends, at least." The two men stared at each other and then back at Ulmer. "Actually, I heard that you were training an army in the arts of fudgitsu. I came with a little proposition for you. I'd like you to join forces with me and help me rid this realm of those Sony and Nintendo vermin. As soon as they're out of the picture, I can go into their realms and be the ruler of all three worlds!" "What are you, jokin' me?" Ulmer ate. "Why should I help YOU gain more power? I'm an amazing piece of history myself, ya know? Did I ever tell you about how I was responsible for the franchising of Rita's Water Ice? Or how about how I outran the cops when I was four? I was climbing buildings and jumping on roofs like Spider-Man! You've gotta be jokin' me, ya know? I don't sell out for cheap, ya know?" "What are you doing?" Vincent asked as Ulmer gnawed on his femur. "Propositioning you," he replied. "Anyways, what do you plan on offering me for my great army?" Shade pulled out something he had created with a magic spell, something so glorious in Ulmer's eyes that he couldn't contain himself and he let out his excitement... all over his face... ENOUGH! "Is that an endless bag of jelly doughnuts!" Ulmer exclaimed, as is apparent by the exclamation point after the question mark used to describe what he said and how he said it. Shade nodded and smiled as he removed the pig's heart from his hat and placed it in his hat. "You have yourself a deal, sir!" Ulmer said in between bites of jelly delight. "I'll have them ready for you in about a week, pal." "Excellent," Shade said, but not like Mr. Burns does. That would be very unoriginal of him to do. Shade and Vincent left and started their journey back to Shade's shady lair...

**The Gorge of Canyons**

""That mother-lovin' cock stomper!" Snake shouted as the heroes fended off legions of Shade's Canyon Cadavers. "Why did that bastard have to teleport us HERE?" "Because he's a coward. He knew he couldn't take us on himself," Konville said as he hacked away at his foes. McLister showed his discontent with the situation by tending to his Leprechaun garden. "This isn't the time for growing tiny Irishmen!" Myth yelled while she killed the dead. "This is fuck-diculous," Snake said, using Hal's body as a killing machine shaped like a human body. Suddenly, about a hundred more Canyon Cadavers appeared from various caves, graves, and raves. Obviously, the ones coming from raves weren't a real threat. "Oh, scrotal suds," Snake said. "Retreat! Run! Follow! Me! Fragments!" Konville shouted grammatically incorrectly. "Where do you suggest we run to?" Myth scolded Konville. "There are giant walls everywhere!" she screamed as her amazing versatile legs pulled a giant wall from her taint. "Theoretically, we're boxed in," Ottacon said in his unconsciousness. "I know a perfect way for us to escape to the top of the gorge!" Konville finally shouted. Insert amazing escape method here. "Wow, that was an amazing plan!" Snake said, patting Konville on the back. "It was so awesome that we should never speak of it again," Ottacon said, now fully awake and able to move on his own. They looked straight across at the terrain that lied ahead of them. "What's with these shenanigans?" Snake asked, dipping his hand into his bag of Tifa's bras. "Wonderful," Konville said as he faced himself in the punch. "We escaped the canyon to trek across this barren wasteland..."

"Look at this," Vincent murmured to Shade. "Blast it all to bloody hell!" Shade replied in between bites of his Kentucky Fried Children. "Those fools escaped from the fire caverns! And what's this? Snake and that science nerd of his were in the ice caves! They should all be dead!" "Well," Vincent said, "that can still be arranged..." Shade stopped chewing the hearts of the innocent and smiled...

"What was that?" Hal asked nervously. "That's the sound of a million ass-kickings heading your way if you don't shut up," Snake replied as he readied his million legs. "No, he's right," Konville said. "Something is... wrong..." Before anything else could be said, they saw a storm trooper running at them. "Oh, something's wrong alright," Snake said. "This guy is walking right into my foot up his ass." As he said this, however, the oncoming solder sprouted huge, devilish wings and quickly took flight. "What the million-piece jigsaw puzzle?" Ottacon shouted, finishing his billion-piece jigsaw DNA strand. The Demon-Trooper flew in circular motions in a square pattern to the triangle degree as it shot at the Sony heroes, rendering them unable to escape at all. "Maybe we can escape!" Konville said, apparently not reading the previous fuck sentence. "Well, well... it seems you escaped my glorious Gorge," said Shade while Indian-fucking Curious George. "Oh, I love rhyming sentences... anyway, where was I? Oh yes..." He withdrew his arms, which withdrew his hands, which withdrew the air around his sword, which finally withdrew a machine gun. "Let's tango and cash," he said to Konville, throwing his machine gun away and grabbing the sword like he should've done in the first place. "I don't know what that means, but fine," was Konville's reply. The two warriors flew into the air as their battle commenced. Meanwhile Snake, McLister, Hal and Myth were having problems fighting Vincent in his new Demon form. "Who are you?" Hal shouted to the sky, causing McLister's face to erupt tiny dogs. "My poodles!" he yelped in dismay as he shoved them back in immediately. "It doesn't matter who I am," Vincent laughed. "You're all gonna die now anyway!" But McLister's rage grew to new heights, heights as big as a guy named Big McLargeHuge. "My... POODLES!" he screamed as he jumped up onto the Demon's air it was breathing and proceeded to bombard him with bombardments of rabid poodles. Finally, they both fell to the ground below. As McLister's muscles wept for 0.00006 seconds, Vincent flew off...

"It's no use! BLOCK! PARRY! BLOCK!" Shade shouted, blocking and parrying all of Konville's attacks. But Konville was relentless. "Thundaga!" he screamed as lightning struck and surrounded him. He flew towards Shade and finally took the offensive, kicking him in his shady neck. "WHY!" Shade burst, oozing magma from his eyes. "You aren't untouchable after all," Konville taunted. As soon as Konville tried charging at him again, however, Shade held his hand out. "Vintasm!" he shouted, causing Konville to lose control and fall to the ground. "Until we meet again," Shade yelled angrily as he flew off into the distance...

**Everywhere and Nowhere**

STARBUCKS! CLOCK STORE! All the madness continued as the Riddler trained Goku in the ways of masterminding confusion and opening certain portals throughout the realm that took the shape of random items, such as water fountains and other things I can't think of because at this point I've lost all desire to finish any descriptions ever again. "You are almost ready for your portal training," Riddler said as they walked into McDonald's. Goku responded by ordering a coffee coolatta because they were in Dunkin Donuts. "Yes, my friend. Embrace the confusion. Make it your own. Control it. Use it. You're doing great," said the off-ramp formerly known as the Riddler. "And now... a test..." It happened so quickly that Goku barely avoided injury to his left nose. By the time he turned to face his foe, the giant Ass-Clown began his second attack. Goku removed his face and glued it to his hamster seeing as they were in the store 'Everything Except Hamsters'. This caused the Ass-Clown to drown in a Puddle Of Mudd. "BLURRY!" Goku erupted. He back-flipped off of a nearby wall and scissor-kicked the Ass-Clown's clowny ass. As the enemy stood up, Goku hijacked an elderly woman and kamikaze-dove her into the foe's freakishly fettered face, fatally. "Excellent," the Riddler said in delight. "You are now ready to be taught to locate and open various portals around Niv Leseid." Goku pointed to a nearby box of raging baboons and belched, thus opening a portal. "My work here is obviously done," his mentor mentally menstruated... all over his face... Goku leapt through the portal and began his journey to a much better period... of time... not... nevermind...

**Underground Base**

"WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!" Stone Cold had thawed out Coco and was attempting to see if she was doing alright by screaming at her ovaries repeatedly. "You think you're so cool," Dante said. "You're not so hot yourself," Sub-Zero replied. "NINE MINUTES 'TIL DEADLINE. GET IT? DEAD line? HA HA HA." the computer voice sounded out like a heartless, emotionless black hole that sucks in thousands of Ethiopian orphans every second just to show how cruel it can be. "This can't possible be possible! It's not fair! We gotta get outta here!" Ocelot continued to shout. "I'm too God to die!" "Well what do you suggest we do?" Coco shrieked over all the screams and puns. "Austin has lost his mind, you're too busy fantasizing about yourself, Cool Spot is asleep in my boobs, and Raiden is... well, Raiden!" Upon hearing this, Raiden ate his purse and shat out a cinder block, bacon, and a sword that came out sideways. "I am not a gay, or woman! I'm a masculine specimen of human masculinity and manliness!" As soon as he finished this sentence, the entire room broke into laughter. "I've had it!" he exploded. He walked over to Austin and gave him an earth-shattering, thundering, Eskimo-raping stunner. "Holy shit," Dante exclaimed. Raiden kicked down the door to the storage room and pulled his machine gun out of his penis, which turned out to be huge and not non-existent as we all had thought considering he's a fuadventurous fucknugget. Upon learning all these truths, Stone Cold immediately began crying for no apparent reason.

The rest of the heroes, stunned beyond the comprehension of the human mind, found themselves doing what they never wanted to do in their entire lives: standing before Raiden as he had just whipped something out of his pants. As they all stood at the door, about a dozen or so ninja guards began to flood the hallways surrounding the storage room the allies had been kept in. "Halt," they shouted. Raiden's reply was a thousand bullets to each of his enemies' faces. He continued firing until nothing else stood in his way. "You've... KILLED... all my men..." he heard a voice echo from around the corner. He readied his gun again but found that there was no ammo left. "Your... AMMO... has depleted..." the voice said again in an odd way. "Oh, no," Ocelot said. "That voice... the sentence structure... it could only be one person..." "What? Who? Who is it, Ocelot?" Coco asked. "It's... William Shatner!" Within seconds, Raiden found himself face to face with the Shat man himself. "You... WON'T... get away with this... You... CAN'T... escape my base..." he said in the proper shength, or Shatner-length sentences. He withdrew the Star Trek Enterprise as he faced off with Raiden. "So be it, then," Raiden replied, withdrawing the samurai sword he had stolen back from the brick wall. You remember, the brick wall?

-Flashback-

"Cover me!"

-End Flashback-

That about explains everything. "You guys get outta here, now! I'll take care of Shatty McFuckFace, here," Raiden shouted to his comrades who weren't planning on helping him out at all anyway. As all of these events were taking place, a portal opened up in Raiden's ass. Goku poked his head out of the ass portal, looked back and forth for a minute or so, and then proceeded to vomit large ropes from his eyes. The ropes swung around everyone except Raiden and Shatner, who were too busy in their battles poses to do much of anything else, especially battle. "Goku! We can't just leave Raiden!" Ocelot said. However, he corrected himself seconds later. "Let's go. We have to leave Raiden. It's the only way. It's the only event to make this story move on anymore from this point. It has to be this way. Leave him in the building that's about to self-destruct with him in it. Be a hero. End this damn sentence!" The rope pulled them all through the portal, which must've looked pretty funny to watch because the portal was at Raiden's ass and, well... you had to be there. Trust me, it was funny. "I'm... ATTACKING... from the left flank..." Shatner threatened. "Let's dance," Raiden replied...

**Underground Base: Storage Room**

"Hello? It's-a-me, Mario! I'm-a still locked in here. Hello? Hello?" "SELF DESTRUCT IN 5...4...3...2...1..." "Oh-a, boy..."

**Cloud: The Real Promised Land?**

Cloud had spent the last few days searching far and wide for Sephiroth, but he was nowhere to be found. As he sat down to a nice lobster dinner, he was approached by a frail-looking man-goat. "Excuse me, sir. Would you mind sparing some food? As you can see, I'm pretty frail-looking and goat-man like." Not thinking anything of it, Cloud gave up half of his lobster. The second the lobster touched the creature's tongue, the creature turned into a beautiful woman. "You are the one we've been waiting for, Cloud," the woman sex. "Only the chosen one would be the one to fulfill the prophecy." "What prophecy?" Cloud asked, choking down his lobster. "The prophecy of the Promised Land states that the chosen one will come and offer up half of his shellfish dinner to an elderly man-goat who in reality is a beautiful woman who will have much sex with the chosen one." Cloud immediately needed a change of underwear. And pants. And skin. Use your imagination with that last one. "But before the sex, you must lead the glorious Promised Army to victory with the help of your allies in Sony. Here, come with me," she said as she touched his shoulders. "Oh, trust me, I'm coming..." And he did... all over her not finishing this fuck sentence even though I was only one word away from finishing it and that word was only four letters long and would've been simple to write if I had just typed the damn thing already face. God, I loathe your existence...

"By the way, my name is Jenna, but most people just call me by my initials, JJ." Cloud shifted what seemed to be a freight train in his pocket and followed JJ through a large crystal doorway. She led him up about 5,434,233,200 stairs minus whatever number I just said plus negative 30 because they went down, not up. "Come, we must speak with the headmaster. He will want to see you and be sure that you are truly the one." "And if I'm not the chosen one?" Cloud asked nervously. "Oh, then we'll watch as rabid squirrels rip your sack apart with rusty hooks," JJ replied casually. As Cloud jerked off for what could be the last time, they reached a set of huge, golden doors. "Enter!" a voice rang out from the other side of the doors. As the doors opened, Cloud saw the last person he'd ever expected to see in a position like this. "Will you take the red pill or the blue pill?" the man asked with a smile. "Neo!" Cloud shouted as he ran up to his old war buddy from a chapter or two ago. Go back and read it. Now. So anyway, this giant cucumber walks into a bar... ah fuck I'm supposed to be writing a story not knock-knock jokes... "What happened to you back in the woods? Weren't you fighting Samus or something like that?" "I don't remember. The author doesn't feel like looking through the other chapters to see what happened to me, so we'll go with yes, I was fighting Samus. Anyway, we flew off in battle. I told her I knew kung-fu and she just laughed herself to death. Do I really come off as that much of a weakling?" Cloud just stifled his laughter as he laughed in Neo's face. "Look, Neo," Cloud said as he recharged his non-rechargeable batteries. "I don't have time to be messing around now. Our friends are being split up all over the realm of Niv Leseid as we speak. This guy Shade is taking control of everything. He is using Sephiroth and some Trevor Belmont guy to help him take over Niv Leseid, and soon enough, all of the other realms. We have to fight back!" Neo lit a cigarette and threw the match carelessly at a nearby tree, causing Smokey the Bear to vomit with rage. "What are you thinking, Neo?" Cloud asked him. "Cloud... at a time like this, one must look deep inside himself and ask... what are the similarities between long-john underwear, kiwis, and the state of Utah?" Cloud's head immediately exploded all over the room. "Yes, my friend. Let it all out," the seemingly deep-minded yet undeniably fuck-brained man said. "Where are you going with all of this crap?" Cloud asked impatiently as he tried to piece together the remnants of his face.

"There is a battle... no... a war on the horizon. It has almost reached, and it will last for many, many chapters, God-willing the author doesn't mysteriously stop writing, or die, or stop dying, or write, or some other variation of stuff. You are here to seek help, and help you have found, my friend..." As he said this, he smiled a big grinning smiling grin. JJ walked back in the room with a keycard in her hand. She slid the card through a keycard sensor on Neo's desk, thus opening a secret door in the room. "Come, my friend, and see what's in store for us, for the war, for the future..." They walked through the door, which led to a series of tunnels with doors. Neo led them through door after door, each one leading them to everywhere except for the room they wanted to go to. One door led to the sun, another to a bottomless pit full of pits. One of the rooms just exploded in their faces. "I can't take it anymore!" Cloud shouted at Neo. "I'M picking the next door!" "You finally learned... the chosen one must open the door," Neo said. "Why didn't you just say that?" Cloud asked. "Reverse psychology," was Neo's reply. Noticing how much sense this didn't make, Cloud used reverse asskickology on Neo, causing him to believe he was getting his ass kicked. "Ok... I'll open... this one..." Cloud opened a door to his far right 45 degree angle to the second tangent. "Right choice, my friend," Neo said as they walked in...

**Ulmer's Food Pyramid**

"More gravy!" Ulmer belched at his servants. "But sir, you're eating frozen yogurt," the servant replied. "Don't question my authority! I want more gravy! And a jelly donut or ten would be nice." Ulmer was sitting down to a glorious feast consisting of fifteen sub-feasts, each with a side of Thanksgiving dinner. He mixed himself a margarodeo, which is his own concoction he made when he was in the womb. The drink consisted of a margarita and a rodeo bull's face, all in the skull of a defeated elephant and lit on fire. "Ahh, nothing like a flaming bull's face in an alcoholic drink. And the elephant's skull, oh boy. That just makes it so much more delectable." As he licked his fingers as an appetizer, Ulmer's minotaur bodyguard ran in wielding his axe. "Sir," he shouted in a deep voice. "It is time. A squadron of your army is ready for battle. The whole army may not be ready, but we have at least two-hundred troops ready and able for battle. Shall I commence attack on the puny mortals in the wastelands outside of Shade's lair?" Ulmer laughed with delight in between bites of his table. "Just let me finish my dinner first. Ok, I'm done," Ulmer said within three seconds. "Let the battle commence, Thorne. I'll be watching from my twizzler tower. Do not disappoint me..." "Of course not, your lardness," Thorne replied with a smile. "Come, Alpha Squadron! Commence battle!" "Yes, Sir!" came the shouts of two-hundred eager soldiers...

**Shade's Dungeons**

"Tifa, wake up!" Starr Girl shouted. Tifa finally started to snap out of it when suddenly, the figure stepped out of the portal. "Oh, shit," Tifa exclaimed as Trevor Belmont unraveled his long whip. "Now now, girls... just be good and there's no need for anyone to get hurt," he said sinisterly. "Kris, we can't take him," Tifa whispered. As she said this, Starr Girl remembered that she still had the lightsaber from her previous battle with the sith lord. She slowly withdrew it and, without warning, jumped up to attack Belmont. However, Trevor isn't that stupid or careless. He just laughed as a sort of purple electricity surrounded his whip, rendering it able to deflect the lightsaber without being burned through and falling apart. "Wonderful," he chuckled a sinister laughing guffaw of sorts. He quickly began fighting her off, making it look as if it were as easy as racing against Speed Racer along the side of the Great Wall of China while juggling flaming jugglers. "That's not easy!" Tifa said. "Of course it is," Belmont replied as he showed the slides of his vacation to China where he performed said task. While he was switching through slides, Goku flew out of the still-open portal and tackled Belmont against the wall, causing him to drop his whip and break his slide show. "Girls, jump in!" Lee Obe shouted from the portal. "Wait, how did you get into that portal? You haven't even been mentioned in this chapter yet!" Tifa asked. "It was implied! We were in the room in chapter five, and they all got out except Mario," Ketty Wynn exclaimed. "Now do you want to escape or not?"

Without hesitation, the two women jumped through the portal. Goku tried to follow, but was pulled back by Trevor who had picked up his whip and wrapped it around Goku's legs. "Goku!" Kris shouted. "C'mon, there's no time," Dante said. Goku tried to get away but couldn't escape the wrath of the whip. "Get your punk-ass back here," the dracula-hunting warrior shouted. Goku turned around and was finally able to do something about his predicament. "Foudehgouhoerhgheuou!" he shouted as his boots transformed into miniature hobgoblins. The furry fiends jumped up and down on Belmont's eyes, rendering him temporarily goblin-eyed. "NOW!" Dante shouted as Goku turned and flew through the portal. He shed a single tear as the portal closed, leaving his two hairy hobgoblins behind. "We have to get to the others, Goku," Starr Girl said. "We overheard Shade... there's an oncoming war, and we have to be there to help our friends." Goku, being serious for once in his life, removed his nipples and attached them to his feet, thus putting them in hyper-drive. They flew as fast as they could through the never..."

**The Battlefield**

"Snake... something is coming..." Konville said down to his fellow warrior from up in the sky. He was scouting out the surrounding area for a while and was able to locate some sort of pyramid made out of what seemed to be various sweets and assorted foods. In the opposite direction he found a giant, black castle shaped like a man slitting an old woman's throat. "That must be Shade's lair," he thought to himself. "But what's up with that pyramid...?" As he looked towards the tasty architecture, he saw a legion of squadron army squad's heading towards them. There were at least one hundred, from what he could make out, but most likely more than that because he left his awesome-eyes at home that morning. "Oh, fuckpuppies," he said out loud. "Guys! We're in a bit of trouble!" He flew down to the ground, and then about twenty feet into the ground because he had miscalculated how far up he was, even thought he was an inch off the ground. "What is it?" McLister carved a question into Ottacon's eyes. "My objects that allow me to use my sense of sight!" Hal screamed in pain. Konville burrowed back out of the ground and told the heroes what was happening. "There's a large army on its way towards us!" Snake responded by gargling the Atlantic Ocean. Then he spit the salt water into his own eyes to show how prepared he was for battle. "From my calculations," Ottacon started as he didn't do calculations, "we have about ten minutes until they arrive at this location. We should prepare for battle." As he said this, he had just finished making his fiftieth energy grenade, which explodes with a radius of twenty-five feet. Snake stabbed himself in both legs, both arms, his neck, back, and ass. "Why are you doing this?" Hal asked, concerned. "Making sure my knife is sharp enough." Konville withdrew his sword and swung it around for a bit seeing as he had nothing else to prepare for the battle. McLister repeatedly punched a nearby choir boy in the crotch. He then ate his own eyes and shat out two bigger, angrier, and stronger eyes and replaced them where his old sissy eyes once dwelled.

Without much of a warning besides the ten minute one Konville had just given, two-hundred troops marched right up to the heroes. In front of them was an eight-foot tall, angry minotaur with a huge axe. "Halt!" he shouted at his followers. "Game Konville, you have been charged with heresy!" "What in VIN's name are you talking about?" Konville asked. "Heresy is Moses Ulmer's word for not being made of food. Now it is time for you and your little friends to die at the hands of Thorne!" Snake coughed up blood that wasn't his and poured it into a garden gnome's pocket. "Save that for me, Gary," he whispered to the little guy, who smiled and winked as he disappeared. "You must be Snake," Thorne shouted in his ridiculously loud and deep voice. "I'm sorry someone as amusingly ridiculous as you are has to die now, but it is the will of Shade. Come, Army of Ulmer! Let us defeat these imbeciles quickly!" As they surrounded the heroes, Ottacon began to weep. "Maybe if there were a few more of you, you would've stood a chance," Thorne laughed. As he said this, however, a giant portal opened above the surrounded group of Sony warriors. "What the hell?" the minofuck bellowed. A giant laser beam shot out of the portal and destroyed a mountain. "That could only be Goku!" Konville shouted. Sure enough, Goku flew down and joined his allies. "So what?" Thorne snorted. "One more person won't make any difference." "Oh, but there'sh more than one of ush," a voice came from the portal as Bond fell out of it. "What is going on?" Ottacon asked scientifically. "Goku learned how to use theshe portalsh shomewhere," 007 responded. "We've come to help you guysh out!" Suddenly, Dante jumped out of the portal, followed by Ketty Wynn, Bria McRugby, Lee Obe and Amber Rebma. "Looks like it's time for a good old-fashioned ass beating," Dante laughed. "And I'm joining in," Sub-Zero said, following Dante. "You're helping us, now?" Dante asked. "I was under the impression that Shade was going to protect us, but he's already let many of my allies die. This is how it's going to be. I will aid you until Shade has fallen." Coco and Cool Spot came after them, followed by Ocelot's mirror, which fell to the ground. "Not again!" he cried as he jumped down. "If you wanna see these assjacks get a good mudhole-stompin', gimme a hell yeah!" Stone Cold shouted as he took a battle stance next to his pals. Tifa and Starr Girl jumped out of the opening and stood up, ready to fight as well. "Game!" Starr Girl shouted. "Kris, you're safe!" "Oh, isn't this sweet?" Thorne laughed. "The two lovers get to die together!" "Not if we can help it," Dante said. "This battle is over before it gets to begin." Thorne and his Army of Ulmer readied their axes and swords for battle. "This is where it ends, my dear friends..."

**Stay Tuned and REVIEW!**


	7. The Update

A message from the author...

It has been 3 years now. If you're reading this, you're probably one of my closer friends because I doubt anyone else even remembers this story enough to read through the first 6 chapters again. It hasn't been updated in about 3 years! Anyway, there's been a LOT of ridiculous events thus far, and for that I truly apologize. However, it's just in my nature to be as retarded as a rabid monkey. Also, my co-author is just as bad as I am, so it only makes for DOUBLE the ridiculous-ness. From now on, we'll try to tone it down a bit, and definitely try to stay on top of updating the story. Thank you and enjoy.

PS - This counts as Chapter 7. Suck it. Alright fine, you want some action? Here it is...

**Somewhere in Space and Time**

"So Snake," Ottacon started, "let's go over the events that have happened to this point." Snake looked at Ottacon for a minute, then up at the ceiling. "Snake, come on. Let's review."

"Fine," he finally responded. "I ate some meat, went through a portal, kicked your ass, befriended a brick wall, ate some more shit, kicked your ass, ate Tifa's bra, threatened you with a million ass kickings, and now we're here on a battlefield facing off against countless enemies."

"Oh come on, there's got to be more to it than that, Snake!" Ottacon shouted angrily. Snake replied by stealing his old pal's eyes and replacing them with TNT. "You haven't changed one bit, Snake..." said the nerd with a sigh and an explosion. Mostly an explosion though. From the TNT. Fin.

**WHEN WE RETURN... WHAT QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED?**

WHO won the big battle?

WHERE are our heroes now?

WHEN will they find out the truth?

WHY am I asking you??

**STAY TUNED!**


End file.
